DUBAI brags of having the biggest, longest and highest of everything – but the widest highway in the world? Really?
Absolutely, says Ali, the most excitable guide in the world — but only if he is talking about his own country.
“We have no taxes, VAT is five per cent, the government is rich, we are rich, we have the richest country in the world,” he effuses.
We are going to the Dubai Mall , the world’s biggest shopping centre, and the towering Burj Khalifa , the tallest (of course) building in the world, soaring 828 metres in the air.
That’s almost three times the height of London’s Shard.
The lifts at Burj Khalifa — naturally, the fastest in the world — speed up to the observation deck on the 125th floor in just 60 seconds.
What Ali fails to tell us is that getting to the lifts means enduring the slowest queue in the world.
It took us a frustrating 90 minutes of shuffling and waiting from one queue to another but, once at the top, you’re in selfie heaven.
We’re in Dubai with Celestyal, a charmingly Greek cruise line that spends summers in Greece and Croatia and winters hobnobbing with the rich and, well, really rich, on one-week voyages around the Arabian Gulf .
The cruise starts in Doha , the capital of Qatar , where money can buy you everything — including a room in a super-luxury hotel that towers into the sky and is shaped like a crescent.
Our ship, Celestyal Journey , isn’t quite so swanky, but way better value, with a week from just £539pp — not much more than a night in the fancy Doha hotel.
But where that doesn’t even get breakfast thrown in, on board our ship three meals a day are included. So is wifi (and you can also splash out on dinner in the speciality Asian or steak restaurant, which come at an extra charge).
If you fancy staying in a fab Grand Dream Suite, one of the fanciest staterooms on board, which comes with spacious living area, a sofa bed (on top of the large double bed) and balcony, it’s £1,380pp more.
It also comes with perks, including free access to an exclusive restaurant and the spa’s thermal suite as well as priority check-in.
If you can tear yourself away from the room, there’s a pool upstairs and numerous bars downstairs with non-stop live music every evening.
Our favourite is Spirits & Ales, where barman JD and his team always have smiles on their faces and tricks up their sleeves. Literally.
They not only pull a mean pint, but also wow us with a close-up magic show one evening.
From Doha we cruise to Dubai, where we’re staying overnight so we can go 4×4-ing in the desert on one of several shore excursions offered by the cruise line.
It’s a thrilling rollercoaster of a ride as our driver revs up, down and along the shifting sands at angles you don’t want to think about.
Liberal beach culture
“I’ve never tipped one over,” our driver promises as the jeep suddenly tilts sideways, resulting in a shower of sand.
The scary stuff over, we’re then wined and dined under the stars, our mouths feasting on local dishes while our eyes feast on entertainment in the form of a fire juggler and whirling dervishes who go into a trance-like state and twirl around and around for at least ten minutes without falling over.
It’s one of those don’t-try-this-at-home moments.
And very different to our next stop, Sir Bani Yas Island , a wildlife reserve off the shores of Abu Dhabi .
Just 50 years ago, the island was deserted. But today it is home to millions of plants and trees, thousands of animals and 300 rangers to look after it all.
It is also a mecca for cruise ships sailing the Arabian Gulf for the more liberal beach culture than on the mainland — bikinis! — and open-truck wildlife safaris.
It’s not up there with Africa (no lions, tigers or buffalo) but there are two cheetahs, loads of deer, gazelles, Barbary sheep from Morocco , cranes from Uganda, African Oryx and even 41 giraffes.
It’s a welcome respite after the excesses of Dubai, but things ramp up a gear again — literally — in Abu Dhabi with trips to Yas Marina F1 circuit, theme parks and SeaWorld.
Or you can go for a cultural overdose at the Louvre (Abu Dhabi has its own version of the French museum) or the shiny Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque, which glows spectacularly white in the sun.
In Bahrain , our final stop before we return to Doha, a tour whisks us around a souk and fort, but my abiding memory is the mezze served for lunch.
Plates of hummus, pitta bread, salad, kebabs, grilled sausages, chicken and more that just keep on coming. As does the wine.
It’s definitely the best mezze in the world (but shhh — don’t tell Dubai).
GO: CELESTYAL JOURNEY
GETTING THERE: Emirates flies from London Heathrow to Dubai from £544 return in January.
See emirates.com .
SAILING THERE: Celestyal offers a seven-night Desert Days cruise round-trip from Doha and visiting Dubai (overnight), Sir Bani Yas Island, Abu Dhabi and Bahrain from £539pp in January 2026.
Price includes meals, soft drinks with meals and wifi. Flights extra.
See celestyal.com or call 0800 411 8038.
