"How a 24-Hour Panic Attack in Bed Led Me to Confront My Bedroom Phobia with Booze and Drugs"

SHEER panic filled the pit of Alex Gear’s stomach as he lay next to the woman sleeping beside him.

They’d just had , and yet she was completely oblivious to Alex’s secret turmoil, which would last a full day and leave him struggling to breathe.

Alex Gear reveals how performance anxiety blighted his life after spending two decades fearing intimacy Credit: Adrian Sherratt Alex is now in fulfilling relationship with Heidi and the couple have a healthy sex life Credit: Unknown

Alex was in the thick of a silent triggered by extreme , something which had plagued him for two decades.

He’d convinced himself that he wasn’t capable of pleasing any woman he slept with, which left him feeling ‘less’ of a man, full of shame and triggered physical symptoms of panic.

At its worst, Alex avoided intimacy entirely, and when he did have sex, he had to contend with the debilitating feelings that sent him spiralling immediately.

His struggle may sound extreme, but experts say it’s far more common than many people realise.

Around 11.7 million British men say they’ve struggled with sex at some point in their lives.

One in eight experience problems every time, while six in ten have avoided sex altogether because of performance .

The panic attack didn’t come out of nowhere. Alex had been battling the same overwhelming feelings after sex since his teens, but never before had they taken such a grip.

In August 2023, he spent the next 24 hours unable to function normally.

Dad of two Alex, who lives near Stroud, says: “I was lying there, frozen with fear, feeling sick with my stomach churning and heart pounding.

“I drifted off, but when I woke up I still felt the same.

“I was a stone mason back then and had to call in sick to work. I paced the flat, trying to breathe and calm myself, but nothing helped.

“I felt out of control, dizzy and nauseous.

“Eventually, exhausted, I managed to the following night, but it took 24 hours to feel ‘normal’ again.”

The panic attack made Alex realise he needed help.

After months of treatment, including CBT, counselling and breathwork, he has now been in a happy and fulfilling with Heidi – the first woman he shared his anxieties with – for 18 months and the couple have a .

Alex believes his fear of sex is deep rooted and years of being bullied in childhood may have contributed.

He says: “I was a quiet, shy and sensitive boy and I once had my face slammed against the wall, and a boy tried to gouge my eye out. It destroyed my confidence and left me feeling unworthy and less of a man.”

At 13, Alex became interested in girls but his shyness left him unable to speak to them.

“I’d avoid them, if they came up to me,” he says. “My heart would pound and I’d go into fight or flight, unable to speak.”

By 15 and although underage, Alex used to boost his confidence around girls.

Alex believes being bullied in childhood may have contributed to his fear of sex Credit: Unknown A young Alex pictured aged 16 Credit: Unknown

“It was around this time, and after a few drinks, that he lost his virginity.

He recalls: “I was an absolute mass of nerves, but relieved once it was over and I could tell people that I had done it – I felt as though it validated me.

“However, a couple of weeks later she ended it and I feared it was my fault for not doing it properly, which with the power of hindsight I realised added to my fear of sex.”

Between 16 and 26, Alex had a string of short relationships and was often drunk when he had sex.

“I never confided in anyone.

“The pattern repeated time and time again… I always hoped sex would be different the next time and was forever seeking validation that I was good enough.”

Alex even found banter around the topic difficult to cope with and he soon turned to to further mask his fear.

He says: “I’d freeze and then feel panicky if someone at work talked about sex.

“The only way I could communicate with female colleagues away from work was if I was drunk.

“Once I was in my 20s I started taking recreational drugs like cocaine and ecstasy.

“It gave me false confidence but at the time I thought it helped.

“Other times I’d avoid going home with a woman, because I was so fearful of the feelings of panic that would inevitably follow if we slept together.”

He went through months of treatment, including CBT, counselling and breathwork to get over his phobia Credit: Supplied Alex’ was left struggling to breathe after having sex with a woman, in what was a panic attack that would last a full day Credit: Adrian Sherratt – Commissioned by The Sun

It’s been suggested that internet use could contribute to performance anxiety.

Searches have increased by 25 per cent in the UK and 19 per cent of men say it has heightened their body insecurities and performance anxiety.

Alex says: “Subconsciously I’m sure it had an effect on me and made me feel inferior… If that’s all you’ve ever seen or heard and you can’t match up to it then it will make you doubt yourself.”

In 2008, aged 26, Alex met a woman called Sarah after they got talking at a festival.

He had been heavily drinking, taking acid and hadn’t slept for three days, but despite the chaotic circumstances, they began a relationship.

It was on and off for 13 years but Alex managed to mask his true feelings throughout.

He says: “By then I was dependent on alcohol. It was my longest relationship but I still wasn’t comfortable enough to tell her my fears, so I masked them and carried on having panic attacks in secret and our sex life and relationship suffered.

“Sarah fell soon after we met and I allowed myself to get swept up in securing a mortgage and trying to live an adult life. I wasn’t in a place to have a good relationship on any level.”

In March 2022 Alex’s drink and drug addiction issues had spiralled.

He says: “There were days when I’d wake up and have a drink at 8.30am. I was unhappy and full of shame. I ended up taking an accidental overdose of a cocktail of drugs and alcohol and needed medical attention.”

“I joined Cocaine Anonymous and got clean through their programme. I attended meetings and followed the 12 steps – the first one is admitting you have no control – and was supported through getting clean by the others at the meeting.

“When I was sober I could see that my relationship wasn’t going to work because we were so different so I ended the relationship.”

Single and free of his addictions, Alex turned to online . But his fear of intimacy remained. He’d make excuses not to go back to women’s houses because he dreaded having sex, terrified they wouldn’t enjoy it. Even afterwards, the panic remained.

“I would pretend I wanted to take the relationship slowly to avoid sex at the beginning then I’d come up with other excuses not to go back to their house, such as having an early meeting in the morning or would make dates for the cinema or say my car had broken down,” he says.

“I dreaded having sex, terrified they wouldn’t enjoy it or would realise I wasn’t good enough for them. Even after we’d slept together once, it didn’t get better.

“I’d lie there pretending to be asleep because I couldn’t face cuddling them.”

The wake up call came as Alex recovered from the panic attack which lasted a day.

“I can’t even remember what triggered it, but I was frightened the panic would never subside. I knew I couldn’t carry on like that.” he explains.

Alex started a mixture of group therapy, and breathwork, which he funded privately.

He says: “Opening up about the way I felt helped immeasurably. It was no longer a dark secret weighing on me. Until then I felt so alone in my shame.

“Hearing that it was called performance anxiety and was a recognised condition really helped. Talking to other men about their experiences in group therapy and hearing how common it is was what helped me the most.

“I journalled my thoughts and practised breathing exercises which help to calm my nervous system.”

In December 2024 he started dating admin worker Heidi, 36, who he met through a friend, and thanks to progress he’d made during therapy he felt able to confide in her.

They took things slowly in the beginning.

Alex recalls: “It was three months before I felt ready to be intimate.

“By then I’d been having therapy for over a year and was able to tell her that I felt anxious and she was incredibly understanding and would listen while I talked it through with her.

“She makes me feel very comfortable and at ease.”

Driven by a need to support men like him, Alex has since given up his job as a stone mason to become a male sex coach.

He says there’s a misconception that men can easily shake off insecurities around sex and fears that the rise in porn use is fuelling it, a narrative he’s keen to change.

Alex explains: “There isn’t one man who’s come to see me who says porn hasn’t contributed to their issues. I’m relieved that in my youth it wasn’t nearly as accessible.

“It’s teaching men the wrong things, showing them a fake and unachievable standard to aim for and the sooner we start talking about that, the better.”

• For help and advice follow alex on @intimacyanxietyalex or visit www.alex-gear.com
• Some names have been changed.