FOUR years after her death from bowel cancer, Dame Deborah James’s children last night paid a poignant tribute to their mum on what would have been her 45th birthday.
Eloise and Hugo spoke as family, friends and supporters of Deborah’s Bowelbabe Fund gathered for the first Rebel Ball.
Hosted by TV presenter , the sequins, champagne and royal well wishes from made the gala a party fit for a Dame.
But it was a celebration with a raw emotional side, too.
Moving the room to tears was 16-year-old Eloise, who told guests how she has not just lost her mum once, but loses her “over and over again” every time she misses her.
She said: “I still send Mum a message on her birthday and mine. For a moment, it feels like I’m still talking to her.
“I know what it feels like to have your childhood split into a before and after. Before cancer, and after.
“When you’re 11 years old, you don’t really understand what it means to lose someone forever. It means every birthday, , school event and achievement, every heartbreak.
“One of my biggest fears is that one day I’ll look at a photo of Mum and have to remind myself who she was.
“I don’t just miss the childhood I had with my mum, I grieve the life I was supposed to have.
“She won’t help me plan my wedding, she won’t meet the people I fall in love with, she won’t meet my children. I worry about things most 16-year-olds shouldn’t have to think about.
“I worry about whether I’ll remember what it felt to be hugged by her, who I’m going to turn to when I get married.
“I worry about whether she’ll still feel like my mum when I’m 30, 40 or 50 and she’s been gone for longer than I ever actually knew her.
“I worry about losing someone I’ve already lost. That’s what growing up without your mum feels like.
“You don’t just lose them once. You lose them in little ways, over and over again.
“I know is looking down on me, I can almost hear her saying, ‘Ellie, I am so proud of you’.
“But if I’m being completely honest, I want her here. I want to annoy her, I want her advice and for her to see who I become. I want my mum. That’s the hardest sentence I’ve ever had to say out loud.”
Sharing the stage with his sister, Hugo, 19, recalled the moment in a restaurant, aged nine, when he found out his mum had cancer, saying: “I was sitting opposite her, not knowing what any of it meant.”
And urging people to support Deborah’s legacy, he went on to talk about his final moments with his mum.
“I have relived those moments in my head, hoping they weren’t the last,” he said.
“It is in those final weeks that you learn, no matter how long you have had to prepare yourself, no matter the number of times you’ve been told it’ll be OK, no matter how many hugs you’ve been lucky enough to squeeze into that limited time, nothing can prepare you for the hurt of losing someone you love.
“Sitting on the floor, next to the sofa my mum lay on, listening to her calling her doctor one last time may have been one of the hardest moments of my life.
To find out more and donate to the Bowelbabe Fund for Cancer Research UK scan the QR code or go to bowelbabe.org
“It is impossible to describe the heartbreak of listening to your mum cry as she apologised for not being able to fight the cancer any longer.
“However, it turns out she did. She continues to fight cancer every day, through the work of the Fund.
“I know she is looking down on us all, speechless at what has been achieved so far — and being speechless was rare for Mummy.
“I would never wish any child to go through what Ellie and I went through. Every pound raised for the fund makes that a little less likely.
“So please continue to support Mum’s legacy because somewhere, there is a nine-year-old sitting in a restaurant who hasn’t heard the news yet.”
When Deborah was diagnosed with in December 2016 aged 35, medics did not expect her to live to see Christmas the following year.
But refusing to accept the inevitable, Deborah grabbed on to life — and lived it.
She told anyone who would listen to check their poo and raised vital awareness in her and podcast, as well as on the sofa on and across social media.
In doing so, the inspirational campaigner saved countless lives.
The Bowelbabe Fund was launched in May 2022, when Deborah returned to her parents’ home for her final days. Her aim was to raise £250,000.
By the time she died weeks later on June 28, the total was just shy of £10million. Today, it stands at more than £21million.
Echoing her brother’s plea, Eloise added: “I can’t bring my mum back. But maybe, just maybe, I can help make sure another child gets to have their mum at their 17th birthday, to call their mum after their first heartbreak. Maybe another woman gets more time.
“If Mum’s story means another child gets to keep theirs, then maybe her story doesn’t have to end in loss. Maybe it can end in hope.
“I can’t change what happened to me, I can’t change my life after cancer. But we can help change somebody else’s.”
It was one of Dame Deborah’s long-held dreams to host a charity event — a “big glamorous ball” — to raise to help fund treatments like those which kept her alive.
And her widowed husband, Seb Bowen, explained how important it was for her family to realise that dream.
He said: “A room full of people she loved, all dressed up, raising money for something that mattered. She never got the chance, so we decided to do it for her.”
And in a nod to Prince William’s visit to the family when, in the final weeks of Deborah’s life, he awarded her damehood, Seb said: “It meant the world to her and us.
“He cannot be with us tonight, but he has sent a special message.”
In that message, the Prince of Wales said: “I had the privilege of meeting Deborah back in 2022, and presenting her damehood in her parents’ garden.
“We talked then about her incredible achievements, her ambitions and her desire to leave a lasting legacy through the Bowelbabe Fund for .
“What struck me was Deborah’s positivity and humour in the face of adversity — what she liked to call ‘rebellious hope’.
“Tonight would have been Deborah’s 45th birthday and I know she would have wanted everyone dancing, celebrating and making memories.”
And with pop star and DJ getting everyone on to the dancefloor, by the end of the night, guests had certainly done that.
