BE honest. You’ve always wanted to see what would happen if a Traitor blew his or her cover ­immediately, haven’t you?

And now you have.

The cast of The Celebrity Traitors, led by Claudia Winkleman in a black dress, stand inside a dimly lit church.
This year’s Celebrity Traitors has a genuinely star-studded cast, which features the sort of names that would’ve graced Strictly Come Dancing not that long ago. Credit: BBC
Joe Lycett in The Traitors, wearing a patterned jacket with a purple feather trim.
Joe Lycett finally struck gold on television with an innocent question Credit: BBC

All courtesy of who, given his endless television exposure, had to do something useful eventually.

He really struck gold, though, when he innocently asked Richard E Grant: “What are you?” half an hour into tonight’s opening episode of The Celebrity Traitors.

“A Traitor,” replied the actor, sounding like he’d just auditioned successfully for Henry V at the Donmar Warehouse.

“You’re what?”

“A Traitor,” he repeated, matter of factly. “What’s the point in being in the game if you’re not?”

Or indeed continuing in it if you’ve ruined the whole point.

One of those rare and exciting TV moments where I wanted to see not just the look on his castmates’ faces, but also the expressions of horror from the production gallery, One’s Head of Light Entertainment and the Director-General, who’s been trying to survive off the hype around this great show for a year now.

I’d imagine his mood was a lot less jovial than that of , who could barely control her laughter during the very solemn Traitors’ oath ceremony that followed.

Richard E Grant laughing.
Richard E Grant replied to Joe Lycett’s ‘A Traitor’, in one of those rare and exciting TV moments Credit: BBC
Maya Jama wearing a shiny gold trench coat in front of a dark wooden door.
The brainfart sent Maya Jama into a proper frenzy Credit: BBC

“Do you vow to keep your identity secret?”

No, he doesn’t. ’Cos bloody actors, as The Thick Of It’s Malcolm Tucker once pointed out, cannot keep anything under their “jaunty little bonnets”.

This one, though, is a brainfart of seismic proportions that, as you can imagine, has sent the 20 other celebrities, including his fellow Traitor , into a proper frenzy, with most of them clearly thinking they’d have performed the key role much more discreetly.

They’ve got a point as well, as it’s a genuinely star-studded cast, which features the sort of names that would’ve graced not that long ago.

Among the more high- profile Faithfuls we have: singer , actor , EastEnders’ , who’s in an advanced state of paranoia about everything, and supermodel Jerry Hall, who will not rest until she’s discovered who owns the castle.

Almost inevitably, is also present, alongside sidekick Rob Beckett and a member of the they/them community in the shape of the entirely female Bella Ramsey, a high-profile ­supporter of Queer Artists For Palestine, who would be the funniest comedy troupe on Earth, if they weren’t so ­stupidly serious.

So consumed with themselves and Richard E Grant’s mayhem are this bunch of luvvies that not one of them has even stopped to swoon at the Scottish scenery yet, which should be compulsory in my book.

It’s a highly competitive field, of course, but the most self-absorbed of the lot is undoubtedly former Today presenter , who put a flag in the sand early when he beamed: “If my 18-year-old self could see me now in this Scottish castle wearing this fancy suit, he’d say life has worked out pretty well.”

Claudia Winkleman stands inside an open coffin, wearing a dark coat and a large white ruffled collar.
Claudia arrives in a coffin for the opening episode of Celebrity Traitors Credit: BBC
Amol Rajan and James Acaster in Celebrity Traitors on BBC1.
It’s a highly competitive field, of course, but the most self-absorbed of the lot is undoubtedly former Today presenter Amol Rajan Credit: BBC

But if that glowing self-appraisal didn’t make you fall in love with him immediately, Amol was back a few minutes later to claim: “I am 90 per cent that nice guy who’s on the news.” Which leaves just ten per cent of him that’s clearly a total arse.

You wouldn’t think, then, that self-confidence would be a major issue.
However, when the opening show closed last night, Amol had talked himself into a ­coffin, alongside James ­Acaster, where he was at the mercy of , yelping “No. No. NO.”

Because, like most of the cast, he’s realised this show is the biggest gig of the year and possibly his entire career.

And if he’s killed early on then all the acclaim, profile and work that goes with a successful run on The Celebrity ­Traitors goes with it, and he’s back hosting ­University Challenge.

That’s why I don’t mind admitting I’m all agog to see what happens and find out how the show rescues itself from Richard E Grant’s “Don’t tell ’em, Pike” moment.

Although the really amazing thing about this series is that it’s 75 minutes old and Michael Sheen still hasn’t reminded us he’s Welsh.
Remarkable.

Unexpected morons in the bagging area

THE Box, Gary Lineker: “What arena in Rome did the Romans use for gladiator fights?”

Joey Essex: “The O2.”

The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Complete the saying, ‘You should never look a gift horse in the . . .’ what?” Dharm: “Eye.”

And Tipping Point: Lucky Stars, Ben Shephard: “How many letters are there in the modern English alphabet?”

Megan McKenna: “Pass. Oh God, these are really hard.”

TANGO ’N’ CRASH FOR JOSH

Josh Widdicombe, Emma Willis, and Johannes Radebe stand on the Strictly Come Dancing stage, clapping and smiling.
There’s still no convincing explanation for the inclusion of Josh Widdicombe Credit: PA

TWO weeks into Strictly’s new presenting experiment, there’s still no convincing explanation for the inclusion of , whose presence is robbing a University chess club of a perfectly reliable Membership Secretary.

My best guess?

He’s acting as a human shield for the equally inept , who’s built like but appeared on this week’s show dressed as in a vivid salmonella pink number that even Little Richard would’ve turned down as “a bit much”.

If it’s a distraction technique, though, it didn’t work as Johannes’ most obvious failing is the fact he’s still trying to talk over the couples’ applause as they trot upstairs after their dance.

Once the din finally subsides, he hasn’t much more to add than a bombardment of “wows” for everyone, including dear old Melanie Walters, who performed a damage-limitation job this week, with the Elton John/Kiki Dee classic, Don’t Go Breaking My Hip.

All the wows and garish outfits in the world won’t work, though, because the only person anyone really wants to hear from, once the dancing is over, is also the only person who can cut through all the endless creeping and crawling with a single word.

“Judges. Please reveal your scores.  . . . ?”

“Two.”

In Craig, we trust.

TUMBLEWEED moment of the month. Live From The Lycett Arms, Joe Lycett: “Does anyone here have any special talent?”

(Silence.)

Shame. We urgently need a TV host.

STRICTLY Come Dancing, Josh Widdicombe: “Shirley is that the best dog-based dance ending with a bone in your mouth that you’ve ever seen?”

And if it isn’t, can someone call the RSPCA.

Random TV irritations

CONTESTANTS on ITV’s The Box wearing protective goggles to inflate a balloon.

Gardeners’ World featuring a safe space for “Non-binary people”, who don’t actually exist. The BBC screening a “pay your licence fee” QR code during Denmark V Wales.

The once brilliant Blue Lights flushing its reputation down a self-righteous toilet.

And the two words that appeared after Wes Streeting’s name, on The Wargame: ­Aftermath, which were far more terrifying than anything I witnessed on Sky’s crisis show.

“Defence Secretary.”

TV gold

Graeme Hall and Lauren Oakley dancing during a dress rehearsal for Strictly Come Dancing.
Graeme ‘The Dogfather’ Hall ­surprising almost everyone with his brilliant ­cha-cha-cha on Strictly Credit: PA

RICHARD E GRANT dramatically short-circuiting the eagerly awaited Celebrity Traitors by immediately telling everyone: “I’m a ­Traitor.”

The first-ever footage of an incredibly rare Tenkile tree ­kangaroo on BBC2’s Wilderness With Simon Reeve.

Netflix’s unmissable drama Fauda.

Graeme “The Dogfather” Hall ­surprising almost everyone with his brilliant ­cha-cha-cha on Strictly.

And the endlessly reassuring presence of , on ITV, where you know that no matter how bad the news gets, it can’t be too serious if ­Bradley Walsh is still smiling down the camera, at 5.05pm and telling everyone: “Maybe we’re ­taking on The Governess.

“Her milkshakes bring all the boys out in a dairy allergy.”

Great sporting insights

NASSER HUSSAIN: “That was always either a six or out and it went for four.” Mike Atherton:

“By just standing there, he was a sitting duck.”

And Tony Mowbray: “Football isn’t about where you are on the grass. It’s about getting in the right positions.”

(Compiled by Graham Wray)

Lookalike of the week

Collage of Cy Star from Terrahawks and Grayson Perry.
This week’s winner is Cy-star from Terrahawks and Grayson Perry’s grotesque parody of a woman Credit: Supplied

Emailed in by Mark Milsom.

THE new series of Blue Lights, on BBC One, looks about as subtle as the brick which landed on a rioter’s head during episode one.

For all we seem to have here is yet another group of dignified and peaceful asylum-seekers and an angry mob of flag-waving far-right clichés who want to kill them.

There’s a chance it could still surprise me, of course, as I’ve only seen the first two episodes.

But I mentally tuned out the moment the most dignified and peaceful of all the asylum-seeking saints, Amira, replied to the question “What do you do?”

“I work at the university. I’m a librarian.” Yeah, of course you bloody are.
Click.

FURTHER to these eye-catching claims made in an ITV promotional campaign for The Blame, starring Michelle Keegan.

“The best series since Happy Valley.” Good Housekeeping.

“One of her best performances.” Digital Spy.

“Your next TV obsession.” Woman And Home.

“It’s a piece of woke crap.” Me, The Sun.