I KNEW I was a lesbian because I fell in love with my school friend when I was 15, although I did have crushes on girls before that.
Other clues were my complete lack of interest in boys, those in my neighbourhood or the less-familiar types in the posh bit of town.
Then there was my utter disdain for feminine frippery. While the other girls in my class were experimenting with as well as boys, I was trying on my brother’s Brutus jeans, when he was out climbing trees, wishing to never wear a skirt or pair of tights again.
How would you know if you were one, too? And, now there are barely any lesbian bars or clubs left in the UK, how do we spot one another?
I have long claimed to be able to spot a lesbian a mile away, but it’s much more difficult now.
Can I rely on tried-and-tested clues such as short, coiffed (or the look), the coolest brand of trainers (HOFF are my own current favourites), or a fondness for series ?
Curious people regularly ask why we are lesbian or gay. “Were you dropped on the head as a baby? Did your mum drink too much sugary tea?”;; they enquire.
Crazy theories
And I’ve lost count of the number of times men have dared ask: “How can you have sex without the proper equipment?”;; or even “Which one of you is the man?”;;
Visiting Stockholm, , a few years back, every woman over 40 looked like a lesbian to me in sensible shoes and cargo pants with short hair, no make-up.
Every single one looked as if she could knock up a few shelves or unblock a drain without batting an eyelid.
My Swedish friend laughed: “The are all young and glamorous, with make-up and long hair.
“It’s once women feel they don’t have to attract men any more that they end up looking like the lesbians in your country.”;;
One undergraduate at the University of Warwick researched whether lesbian voices are deeper, more masculine sounding to those of straight women. Her conclusion? They are not.
Other crazy theories hold that we have higher levels of , meaning bigger muscles, and facial hair — all of it nonsense.
Lesbians do seem more relaxed about their appearance and don’t dress for male approval. But can you spot a lesbian by her sportiness, or her vegetarian diet?
Perhaps we wear matching cagoules? ? Jeans? Dr Martens? Rock-climbing gear or tracksuits?
In the Nineties, lesbians were found to be four times more likely than the average consumer to buy a , so a woman at the wheel of a sturdy four-wheel-drive might be gay.
Many lesbians cannot be distinguished from other women at first glance.
We don’t all have short hair and we don’t hate men.
In fact, straight women are much more likely to say “I hate men”;; because they’re the ones forever picking up boxer shorts.
There are, however, a few tell-tale signs.
Women frequenting hardware stores together on a Sunday morning are very likely to be lesbians.
Women tend to be more physically demonstrative together than men, but, if a woman you are hugging starts twirling your hair or pulling at your earlobes, that’s a pretty clear sign she’d like to be more intimate.
However, if she asks to get it on with you so her boyfriend can watch, forget it, she’s not a lesbian.
One massive misconception — and harmful stereotype — is that a lesbian is attracted to every woman that crosses her path.
Absolutely not, so if you’re wondering if somebody’s a lesbian and decide she’s not because she’s not flirting with you — think again.
But if she holidays on the , there’s every chance she is a lesbian.
The only straight woman I’ve ever seen there was the photographer who accompanied me for a newspaper story on the lesbian scene, though I’m not sure she was still straight by the time we got on the plane home.
The term “lesbian”;; is derived from the island of Lesbos, which was the birthplace, in 630BC, of Sappho, who wrote about female same-sex attraction.
Some years later, at a parliamentary debate in 1921 on whether or not lesbian sex should be criminalised, Conservative MP, Lieutenant Colonel Moore-Brabazon held forth on how to “deal with lesbians”;;.
Dismissing options of the death penalty or lifelong imprisonment in a lunatic asylum, he opted to “leave them entirely alone, not notice them, not advertise them. That is the method that has been adopted in for many hundred years”;;.
According to these men, married women who shared a bed when their husbands were away could only be lonely and keeping each other company — anything else was unthinkable.
When I came out in 1977, the only “role model”;; was the predatory, unhinged character played by Beryl Reid in The Killing of Sister George. Lesbians were portrayed as lonely, sad, ugly, desperate women.
Then, in 1981, tennis legend was outed — confident, charismatic, and unambiguously lesbian.
She was exactly what we needed, and paved the way for others to come out. That she is now a friend of mine still makes me shake my head in disbelief.
Ultimately, the only definitive way of knowing whether you’re a lesbian is to be as honest as possible with yourself, dismiss any embarrassment and stigma surrounding the word, and get on with it.
Just remember, what lesbians bring on the first date — her ex who is now her best friend and co-parent of her cat.
Second date? A toothbrush and an engagement ring.
- Julie’s new book, Lesbians: Where Are We Now? is out now.
