PUT down that mistletoe and step away from the photocopier – the festive fun police are on patrol.
Thanks to , bosses are being warned to keep an eagle eye on this year’s boozy Christmas bash in case of dreaded “inappropriate” behaviour by staff.
has told employers to consider the risks in advance when staff socialise outside of work or where is drunk, as they “can be held legally responsible for harassment of their workers” if not.
But don’t panic just yet, bosses. has devised a legally sanitised employee phrasebook to keep you out of an tribunal, swapping that un-PC, old-school banter for more 2026-friendly woke words to keep you in the clear . . .
What you used to say: “You scrub up well outside the office.”
What to say now: “I note that you have washed and are wearing some event- appropriate attire.”
What you used to say: “Go on, have a cheeky tequila shot with us.”
What to say now: “Would you care to voluntarily ingest a unit of alcohol in the presence of two witnesses and a certified designated driver?”
What you used to say: “The boss is an absolute nightmare when he’s had a pint.”
What to say now: “Senior leadership is currently demonstrating unscripted stakeholder engagement.”
What you used to say: “That outfit looks stunning on you.”
What to say now: “I acknowledge the appeal of your attire, though without any romantic intent.”
What you used to say: “Old Scrooge has put barely any cash behind the bar.”
What to say now: “The boss has set out a sensible fiscal framework for alcohol consumption.”
What you used to say: “Are those two flirting by the coat rack?”
What to say now: “Two team members are just conducting cross-departmental alignment in the wardrobe zone.”
What you used to say: “Dave is dad-dancing to Wham!”
What to say now: “Dave is displaying unco-ordinated enthusiasm to retro hits.”
What you used to say: “Don’t you dare post that awful video of me on social media!”
What to say now: “I hereby withhold broadcast consent for videos taken after 9pm.”
What you used to say: “Who’s coming back to mine for an after-party?”
What to say now: “Who is willing to sign a waiver to relocate to an unmonitored off-site facility?”
What you used to say: “I’m smashed! There’s no way I’m making it in tomorrow.”
What to say now: “I am exercising my statutory entitlement to a cognitive decompression day tomorrow.”
What you used to say: “Where did you dig up that ugly Christmas jumper?”
What to say now: “I see your seasonal woollen garment prioritises novelty over style.”
What you used to say: “Everyone pack in close, smile for the group photo.”
What to say now: “Can everyone who consents to an intrusion of personal space please say, ‘Plant-based cheese alternative?’.”
