Author Olivia Fane, 65, once thought she could have both love and freedom.
Now, as Lily Allen’s new album lyrics spark debate, she explains why is doomed to fail.
Lily Allen and David Harbour, whose marriage came to an end earlier this yearCredit: Getty
Olivia and former husband Chris on their wedding dayCredit: Supplied
AS I opened the love letter on my doorstep, my heart sank – because it was addressed to my husband Chris.
It was from another woman and it spoke of desire and lust. I couldn’t complain, though, as Chris and I had an open relationship.
We met aged 19 as students at Cambridge University in 1979 and readily agreed to see other people. After three years of , he proposed and it became an open marriage.
I was immediately captivated by Chris’s intelligence and wit — he was the cleverest man I knew.
Another guy had pursued me first. He was incredibly handsome but I knew that within two years, I’d be bored of him. With Chris and his amazing mind, that wouldn’t happen. I was in love with him.
So it horrified me that just seven years after we wed in a church in my hometown of Lyne, , we divorced. Our open marriage had failed after Chris fell in love with another woman.
This is why it came as no surprise to me to learn that pop star has criticised her ex-husband, star David Harbour, after their this year.
In her new album, West End Girl, which was downloaded more than 8million times in the first few days after its release, she implies they had He is yet to comment.
Lily suggests they weren’t meant to have with anyone they knew and that he did. In the song Madeline, she sings: “How long has it been going on? Is it just sex or is there emotion?
“We had an arrangement, be discreet and don’t be blatant. There had to be payment. It had to be with strangers. But you’re not a stranger, Madeline.”
But the rules that Lily, who attended Beadles School at the same time as some of my five sons, agreed to were allegedly not followed — just like mine.
Chris and I were young and bohemian when we launched our open marriage.
We had different rules for each of us. I was allowed to snog ten different people every year and have one affair, providing it took place in Stoke Newington, North .
He decided this and, while I know it is random, I agreed to it.
In that first year, I kissed ten men. It was great and I would always tell them I was married. I wore my wedding ring and would emphasise my partnership after the snogs. I’d say, “That’s why we can’t go any further”.
I found these men all over the place — the library, beaches, anywhere really.
I felt electric, like I could kiss the whole world. I recall thinking, “I want to kiss someone I’ve never spoken to”, so going up to a man, asking for a kiss and just doing it.
Lily Allen’s new album lyrics have sparked debate on open marriagesCredit: Getty
Author Olivia Fane is warning against the perils of an open marriageCredit: Lorna Roach
I had one affair at the end where I broke the rules — we would wander on the beach in , hand in hand.
I’d known him when I was younger. He was in my address book and I’d always fancied him.
It was heaven kissing someone else and I am so pleased I’ve smooched so many people.
I’m 65 now, a grandmother, and I’ll look back and think of all the fun I had and all the men I’ve kissed — in lifts, trains and other places.
Chris had different rules. He was only allowed one intense , which could take place over two weeks.
There was no logic behind this, we just made it up.
It had to be abroad and he had to tell me whatever I asked. I didn’t necessarily want to know, but I wanted the power of being able to know.
Honesty was a fundamental clause of our arrangement and I thought that an open relationship was a brilliant idea and our marriage was infallible.
People might read this and think, “You’re a fool, of course it was going to end badly”, but I genuinely believed and sex and love existed as separate entities.
Ten snogs a year
We decided on it mutually after I read a book about it in 1979 when we first started dating.
People use the phrase “make love”, but I didn’t see it that way.
I thought people could be in love while also having sex with other people, without it fracturing their relationship. So it broke me when, seven years after we married, we filed for divorce.
Chris had breached the rules of our arrangement after falling in love with one of his affair partners.
The last morning of our marriage, he said: “I’m sorry, I’ve tried not to love this woman, but I can’t help myself.”
I threw my coffee at him and it stained some rather lovely curtains. In the end, I had to burn them as the stain reminded me of the pain of that terrible morning.
As he told me, I broke down, but I also wasn’t surprised. I could see that it had happened — he was there, but he wasn’t. His mind was with her, not me.
I never, ever thought I was foolish because I learnt so much and I learnt what matters.
Olivia Fane
And our lives, seven years into marriage, were different to when we embarked on our open relationship as bohemian teens.
But I never, ever thought I was foolish because I learnt so much and I learnt what matters.
We had children, there were toys scattered around the house, I was .
Even so, I was desperately hurt and threw myself into being a good mum. I met my next partner a few years later, a vascular surgeon called Mark.
From the off, Mark, who I dated briefly at university, was adamant he would not have an open relationship.
I hadn’t floated the idea but he knew what my first marriage was like and he was clear he wasn’t going to have a relationship like that.
I initially thought, “Oh my God, what will it be like to be faithful?”, but his decision was right. We went on to have two children and have now been married more than 30 years.
He is the kindest man I know and our marriage is based on trust, love and mutual respect.
End in tears
It was only some years after my divorce I rationalised the peculiarities of my first marriage and realised we had made a juvenile decision bringing other people into it in the first place.
Now, learning about Lily, it seems a new generation wants to think that sex and love are different and can co-exist.
They cannot.
The moment you , you take away trust and closeness that exists in a marriage or long-term relationship.
I’m not anti-sex. On the contrary, I am pro-sex.
If you want to have lots of sex with lots of people, then you should go out and bonk everything that moves.
But it doesn’t work in the context of a marriage.
There is always a wounded party — and I are proof of that.
The ‘rules’ you so carefully put in place fall apart like a house of cards
Olivia Fane
I think criticisms of her are unfair. I knew her relationship would end in tears, the writing was on the wall, but you shouldn’t moralise or judge.
You don’t know unless you’ve tried it. You learn from experience.
There are wild spirits in the world and I suspect both Lily and I are them. I don’t think this sort of behaviour is based on insecurity.
On the contrary, it’s about being free, wild and trying things out.
I understand people’s desire to want to have those “firsts”. It’s amazingly exciting the first time you meet someone.
That first time they put their hand on your leg, the first kiss. But that’s not what a proper relationship is.
The “rules” you so carefully put in place fall apart like a house of cards. They are, quite frankly, stupid.
Marriages, or any long-term , are built on trust and that’s eroded if you open it up.
The sex may diminish, but it is replaced with something else — love, care, companionship. I do hope Lily gets that second chance, like I did.
As told to Anna Roberts
- Olivia Fane is the author of Why Sex Doesn’t Matter, published by Mensch in hardback and as an e-book. Some names in this article have been changed.
