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Gwyneth Paltrow’s Very Goopy Cruise Will Save The Cruise Industry In 2022

Start counting your cooch couch coins now, because legendary feminist, yoga inventor, and gleeful shover of random objects up her snatch, Gwyneth Paltrow, is plotting her very own Fyre Festival on the high seas, and those of us who missed the shady mess the first time around can now pay over $4K for a struggle sandwich but with the added attraction of being seasick and claustrophobic while doing it. Sign us up!

We first got all giddy about the possibility of tossing Gwynnie and hundreds of other dim bitches with more disposable income than sense over the railing sharing a deeply meaningful wellness and healing experience and building lifelong sisterhood bonds on the Lido deck in early 2020, but then that pesky pandemic wouldn’t let our effortlessly chic leisure wardrobes be great. But now that things are getting more back to “normal,” the Goop cruise is ready to set sail in 2022!

According to Page Six:

Gwyneth Paltrow and her out-of-touch luxury lifestyle brand Goop are here to rescue the sinking cruise ship industry.

The wannabe wellness guru announced on Instagram that her company is partnering with Celebrity Cruises to try to make cruises happen again, despite the fact that the industry hit a scandal the size of an iceberg when people were trapped aboard ships for months at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I am always happiest by, in or on the sea! In 2022 my @goop team and I are going to join @celebritycruises on their new ship, Celebrity Beyond. I’ll be behind the scenes, working on some special projects, as Celebrity’s new Well-being Advisor,” Paltrow, who already made it seem like she won’t be aboard the ship, captioned the announcement.

Wait, Goopy’s not going to be there to lead us in the candlelit, sunrise vagina pep talks and slow-mo demonstrations of jade egg insertions that make Dr. Jen Gunter cry? We’re all just going to be surrounded by Goopy groupies flinging large bills from their grass-fed leather wallets to buy inane shit from her brand and brag about how long they’ve gone without eating solid food? What’s the point? The Daily Mail adds:

Paltrow’s partnership with Celebrity Cruises was originally announced in January 2020 with sailing dates planned for the following summer.

But the cruise industry, like others, shut down when the COVID-19 pandemic broke out.

On the Celebrity Cruises website, there’s a section titled ‘goop at sea’ and includes details of how guests who book a luxury suite on board Celebrity Beyond can take advantage of ‘mind’, ‘body’ and ‘soul’ sessions sourced by the goop team.

We can all understand a cruise company’s desperation to rebuild from the ravages of a year’s worth of dry dock by luring an elite but not-too-bright herd of (probably also grass-fed) consumers already known for their profligate spending, so there’s that.

So let’s waste no time in forgoing frivolous shit like rent and food in order to save up to be a part of this freakishly vagina-obsessed cult, and eagerly risk long-term-quarantining on the gigantic, lukewarm buffet of a petri dish that is a cruise ship. What could go wrong? Goopy has the cure for what ails us.

And here’s the irresistible promo for what awaits:

Pic: Instagram

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