STARING at my phone in the hallway, coat on and keys in hand, I felt my chest tighten as the message lit up the screen.
What they’d just said – again – made my hands shake with rage.
Annette Kellow, mum to seven-year-old Felix, cut her childless friends out completely Credit: Lorna Roach
The single mum from London, 42, reveals she refuses friendships with women without children as they often cancel plans at the last minute with no apology Credit: Supplied
Kat and Violet were cancelling on me, again, and as usual the reason was flimsy, downright rude, and there was no apology either.
“We’re both hungover, can’t make it today,” the message read.
It hit me that they both had something in common and it certainly wasn’t loyalty. Unlike me, they were both and it was destroying our .
I could feel the rage bubbling inside me.
This was the final straw, and I decided to ditch my childless friends for good.
My decision may cause outrage, and I’ll no doubt be judged for taking such a ruthless stand.
But it wasn’t the first time my so-called mates had dropped me like a hot potato – they’d done it several times before.
What made me so angry wasn’t just how rude it was not even to show remorse, but that they simply didn’t understand the stress and planning it takes to arrange time out when you’re a mum.
Our brunch had been planned weeks in advance, and as I’m a single , my mum Grace, 68, had kindly offered to babysit my seven-year-old son Felix.
I remember when Felix was just a baby – desperate to see my friends, we’d arranged to meet, only for them to cancel me so they could go clubbing with a random guy.
Then there was the time Kat, 40, was so worse for wear she didn’t even bother turning up to my birthday, again, no excuse and zero apologies. The reasons were always the same and lame – , men, or both.
I tried to broach the subject of them always cancelling but Violet just shrugged her shoulders. It became exhausting and what hurt most was how little they seemed to care.
It comes as little surprise that research suggests 68% of parents feel “cut off” from their pre-baby social circles. A staggering 90 per cent of new mums report feeling lonely or isolated, often because their no longer “fit” their new reality.
It’s not like I don’t understand being busy.
I’m a working mum who spends weekends juggling playdates with family time – not to mention all the demands that primary school brings. And yet, I still always make time for my friends.
Statistically, mums have less time, energy and than their childfree counterparts.
Annette also found herself avoiding talk of motherhood as her friends would roll their eyes or change the subject Credit: Annette Kellow
She felt like the became the only one making an effort to keep her friendships going while living a different reality, so chose to ditch her pals altogether Credit: Supplied
We lose approximately £65,000 in wages in the first five years and as a result we receive 33 per cent less pension.
Our wellbeing also takes a hit, with over half of UK mums saying childcare responsibilities stop them from exercising enough, unlike partners and childless women who seem to have endless time for sessions – yet why can’t they put anyone but themselves first?
And it’s not like I don’t know what it feels like to be without a child. There was a time I thought might never happen for me – that I’d end up alone with a candle-collecting hobby. I always thought I needed to be in a better situation financially.
So when I did fall in 2018 I was shocked, but excited. I was also conscious this wasn’t a choice for everyone.
Annette now only makes friends with other mums Credit: Supplied MUM MATES ARE OK
Ellen Manning, 43, is a journalist and PR consultant who lives in Cornwall with her husband, also 43, and dogs Brandy and Bruce. Ellen made the decision not to have children but is friends with women who do and says these friendships are sustainable.
MOST of my longstanding friends have children and while those kids vary in age, their mums are still in the era where their offspring come first.
I may be child-free, but I understand. Though I don’t think it means we can’t keep our friendship alive.
Yes, maybe I don’t want to hang out at soft play, watch their child throw food all over a restaurant while we try to have a conversation, or listen to endless child-related dramas, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be their friend. And it works both ways.
Lots of my mum friends put up with endless photos of my dogs, support me on madcap fitness challenges and listen to me talk about things that must seem rather mundane or simply far from their daily life.
But then there are the women who seem to have ruled me out of close friendship simply because I’m not in their mum gang. The ones that may not mean to, but do a darn good job of making me feel like I can’t possibly understand how tired they are, or have challenges of my own.
Suddenly I don’t hear from them. Or plans get cancelled at the last minute because they’re tired, their husband can’t ‘babysit’ despite us having had the date in the diary for weeks, or they just don’t quite have time to reply to my messages – despite the fact I’m 99% sure they’re prolific in the mum Whatsapp groups they’re in. I try to let it go over my head, but in all honesty, it hurts.
It’s bad enough that society still makes childfree women feel like they’re somehow ‘less’, without your own friends adding to it by dropping you the minute you don’t share the bond of
motherhood. I hear 70 per cent of mums believe they don’t have much support after having children – but perhaps they could try giving support to those of us without children too. Because that’s how friendship works, after all.
Violet, 39, and Kat had both made it clear they didn’t want children who they thought were a huge burden. While this made me feel sad as there are so many women desperate to conceive, I respected their decision because that’s what real friends do.
But it was a one-way street. Violet once said that ‘an icky baby’ was the ‘worst thing ever’ and visibly recoiled when I once dared bring Felix along for a . If I mentioned anything about being a mum, she would roll her eyes and quickly change the subject.
I tried so hard to tread carefully, avoiding talk of motherhood even though it felt like the most natural thing in the world. In those early days, with hormones all over the place, I buried how I was feeling just to keep the peace.
When Felix turned one, I even joined BFF in the hope of making new local friends. I matched instantly with an old school friend.
I was excited for a catch-up, but when she asked what I’d been up to and I told her I’d just had a baby, she unmatched me instantly.
It felt like no one could be bothered with me just because I was a parent and I couldn’t understand why.
When you’re the only one making an effort to keep friendships going, it starts to feel pointless. That’s why I needed to rid myself of my childless friends.
I didn’t make a big scene – I just quietly exited our message groups, stopped calling and texting, and let things fade. I had fewer friends, but I felt less stressed.
I decided to only make friends with other mums, and luckily, they’re not hard to find.
They’re at the gates, cafes and kids’ parties. I recently rekindled a friendship with a former neighbour I hadn’t seen in five years whose son is a similar age to Felix, and we now meet regularly for playdates.
I’ve even started hosting mum-only nights in my garden, where the kids can run wild while we unwind. It beats noisy bars and expensive taxis and we can talk about our children without anyone rolling their eyes.
I love being a mum. Some people might say children ruin your career and your body, but for me, motherhood has shaped both for the better. Yes, my stomach muscles did separate post birth, but a tummy tuck fixed that.
I wouldn’t trade motherhood for anything, or anyone.
Looking back on my friendship with Kat and Violet, I can’t help but wonder why I let them treat me that way for so long.
But in a strange way, I’m grateful because their lack of respect pushed me to make one of the best decisions of my life. And I don’t regret it for a second.
- Some names have been changed.
Eze Chidiebere Paul
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