WHEN Jaguar unveiled their big pink Bud Light car, everyone assumed they’d taken leave of their senses.
But now have done the exact same thing.
Ferrari’s new electrical car, called the Luce, which is Italian for ‘light’, but it most definitely is no such thing Credit: Reuters
When Jaguar unveiled their big pink Bud Light car, everyone assumed they’d taken leave of their senses Credit: Rex
, an enormous half-million-pound five-seater, was unveiled this week. It’s called the Luce, which is Italian for “light”, but it most definitely is no such thing.
Thanks to all its batteries, it weighs more than Huddersfield.
It immediately divided opinion.
My old mate liked it, and everyone else in the entire world didn’t.
Even the former chairman of Ferrari, Luca Di Montezemolo, was disgusted.
“I hope they at least remove the prancing horse logo,” he said.
So what’s going on? Why have and Ferrari both decided that the cars of the future will be so big they don’t fit in any known parking space. And why do they look so weird?
I think I have an answer. Ever since the 1960s, cars have been exciting. They growled and they were fast and dangerous and fun.
Car designers played to this, creating exciting machines that looked like they were doing 100mph even when they were standing still.
But when you take the engine out of a car, the soul is gone.
An electrical car isn’t something you buy with your heart, because it’s just a product, like a washing machine, or a chest freezer.
Ferrari could have tasked one of the great Italian styling houses with the job of designing their new car.
That’s what they’ve always done in the past. But tellingly, this time they went instead to Sir Jony Ive, who designed the . That’s a brilliant thing of course, but it’s a product.
People can love their cars. Some even give them names. But no one can love a product.
Fridges are just ugly necessities that beep at you all the time. Much like modern electrical cars Credit: Getty
This is going to be a serious problem for Ferrari Credit: Reuters
And I bet you any money your fridge isn’t called Geoff. I also bet you don’t brag about it in the pub like I used to do with cars.
I’d spend hours telling my mate Andy that my Scirocco was better than his Chevette HS because it could get from 0 to 60 in 8.1 seconds.
No one does that with fridges.
“My Zanussi is better than your Smeg because it gets from 0 to minus 60 degrees in four seconds.”
Never happens.
Fridges are just ugly necessities that beep at you all the time. Much like modern electrical cars.
This is going to be a and Ferrari.
Because no one is going to spend half a million quid on a tool when they could buy something Chinese which does exactly the same thing for about £2.75.
RAPISTS SHOULD DO LIFE
SO let me see if I’ve got this straight. In two separate incidents, three teenage boys took part in the rape of two girls – aged 14 and 15 – at knifepoint.
They also filmed the attacks and uploaded the footage to the internet.
The word “scumbags” springs to mind.
Bravely, the girls went to the police and there could be no doubt they were telling the truth because footage of their ordeal was online.
So the boys were arrested and appeared in court where the poor girls, who should have been revising for their exams, had to relive the experience in all its gory detail.
The scumbags were found guilty and last week a judge, Nicholas Rowland, let them off with a slap on the wrist.
It beggars belief.
And so does his explanation. He said he wanted to avoid “criminalising the boys”.
WHAT????!!?! They did that to themselves when they raped those girls.
Mercifully, the Government has stepped in and now the sentences will be reviewed by the Court of Appeal.
Let’s hope they all get life. In that prison in El Salvador.
And let’s also hope that the lily-livered judge who let them off is sent to a secure institution for the mentally unstable.
Don’t mess with the farmers, Cowell
Hawkstone Farmers’ Choir are in the final of Britain’s Got Talent Credit: Shutterstock Editorial
A YEAR ago, I wanted to form a farmers’ choir that could sing sweary songs to advertise my beer.
So I put adverts in the press, asking for anyone who could sing to come along.
They were brilliant, and patient, and it was funny to see these decent country folk singing: “F*** me, it’s good.” When the shoot was over, however, they didn’t just go their separate ways.
Even though they were from all over the country, they decided to stick together.
They said that farming is a lonely job and it was good to feel part of a gang.
So the was born and tomorrow night, after two spell-binding performances in the heats, they are in the final of Britain’s Got Talent.
I’ll be there, cheering them on. And I cannot wait.
Even my hair is excited. If they win, I shall probably faint.
And I have a message from Kaleb to , who’s a neighbour of ours: “If you say anything nasty about them, I’ll get in my tractor and f* up your hedge.”
ALONG with BGT, there is another, massively less important final tomorrow night.
Like everyone in the world, apart from Arsenal’s dismal collection of supporters – Piers Morgan, Keir Starmer, Sadiq Khan, Prince Harry and the ghost of Osama Bin Laden – I’ll be cheering for PSG.
PETE'S SAKE, NICOLA!
IS Peter Murrell the most useless criminal in all of human history?
Over the years, the former husband of ex-Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon stole £400,000 of her party’s funds. And spent it all on crap.
Most crims spend their ill-gotten gains on a fancy holiday or a sports car, but not old Pete.
He bought a camper van, two salt and pepper shakers, three coffee machines and six Nintendo machines.
Why six? Dunno. Why any of it frankly.
And here’s the funny part. Nicola Sturgeon says she didn’t notice.
Really? If my other half bought six Nintendo machines, I’d almost certainly ask why.
“And while I’m at it, what’s with all the coffee machines?”
Some are saying that she must have wondered where he was getting the money from for all this stuff.
Camper vans aren’t cheap. And they are hard to miss, even if parked on the mother-in-law’s drive.
I think the problem here is that she doesn’t understand money.
Which is why she once spent £4.1million on mobile phones for prisoners.
I AM a space nut. I have read The Right Stuff a million times and watched the movie even more.
You ask me to name my favourite films, and in the top ten there’d be The Martian, First Man, Gravity, Sunshine, and all three of the most recent Star Trek adventures.
So why then am I not very excited by Nasa’s announcement that they are going to build a lunar base at the moon’s south pole?
I think the problem is that 12 people have walked on the moon. They all took readings and gathered samples and what we’ve learned is that there’s nothing there.
It’s just a big dusty rock.
So there’s no point doing more exploring because all they’ll find is more nothing.
It’s like Luton. I went there once, had a look round, decided it wasn’t for me, and have never been back.
Eze Chidiebere Paul
I'm dedicated to creating high-quality content that informs, inspires, and delights. If you have any questions or suggestions, don't hesitate to get in touch. Happy reading!
