"UK in Crisis: £4 Million Bridge for Birds Approved Amidst Chaos"

WE’VE always been rather good in this country at building bridges.

In AD 50, our Roman rulers — perhaps feeling a bit guilty that they’d recently killed Jesus — gave us the first bridge across the Thames in and that gave us a taste.

The Hammersmith Bridge has closed for refurbishment for seven years – allowing bicycles and walkers only Credit: Alamy A new bridge on the A3 will allow Dartford warbler birds to cross safely, apparently Credit: Getty – Contributor

The Victorians were crazy for bridges. They built one over the gorge in Bristol. They put one up to link Anglesey to the mainland and built so many in London, the population was spoiled for choice.

Soon, we began to run out of things to build bridges over.

But that didn’t stop , who was PM when we opened the world’s longest suspension bridge to connect the tiny Humberside villages of Barton and Hessle.

We ended up with 72,000 road bridges in the country and 30,000 for the railways. And then you have the aqueducts and the farm bridges.

It got to the point where you could show a Brit anything — the Taj Mahal, the Grand Canyon, Clint Eastwood’s hat — and his first thought would be, “I could build a bridge over that.”

And then it all stopped. When engineers found that , the authorities closed it. Seven years later, it’s still closed.

Then came Albert Bridge just two miles downstream, which is also now closed.

London, one of the greatest cities in the world, is slowly being cut in half and all we ever say is, “We can’t afford to do anything about it.”

Today, there are 3,200 road bridges in Britain that urgently need repair work and in every single case, there’s the same excuse.

“We want to fix them. It’s in our . But we don’t have the money.”

And yet, somehow, there was enough money to build a £3.7million, 68-metre-long wildlife bridge over the A3 dual carriageway in .

Yes, there’s a cycle track, of course, and a pavement for pedestrians.

But mostly, the bridge is covered with heather and sand so that snakes and toads can get from one side to the other without being squished.

Badgers will also benefit. I bet the local farmers are thrilled about that.

We are also told will be used by nightjars and Dartford warblers and this, I think, gives us an insight into the muddle-headed thinking of the people who approved this project. Because they’re .

If they were ostriches or any other kind of flightless bird, it would make sense. But nightjars and Dartford warblers have wings so they don’t need a bridge to cross the A3.

And spending £3.7million of our money to give them one is as daft as buying all the local bats a torch.

I quite like the idea of a wildlife bridge or a tunnel for frogs and newts.

But these are luxuries which we should only build once we’ve taken care of the necessities.

In other words, we can have a bridge for dragonflies and worms but only after we’ve sorted the bridges that people need in London.

Doing it the other way round is like buying a new handbag when you can’t afford food.

Paedo pals puzzle

Sir Keir Starmer could be off the hook – meaning he won’t be replaced by someone who’s even worse Credit: Reuters

TURNS out, I was wrong.

Last week, that I simply wouldn’t believe the fanciful notion a senior civil servant had been given a report on saying he was a wrong ’un, and that instead of telling , he’d simply put it in his bottom drawer.

But the senior civil servant in question, this week that, in so many words, that did indeed happen.

This means in theory, Starmer’s off the hook and he won’t be replaced by someone who’s even worse.

However, before we all breathe a sigh of relief, consider this: Our Prime Minister to be our ambassador in America, and staff at No10 did lobby for Starmer’s former communications chief Matthew Doyle to be given a cushy embassy job as well.

And what do Doyle and Mandlespoon have in common? Yes, they both had besties who were paedos.

Don’t you find that odd? I’m fairly sure I don’t know anyone who’s friends with a nonce and I’m sure you don’t either.

But somehow, Starmer knows two. Weird.

Bravo Volvo

Volvo missed their target for electric car sales and have now made a U-turn on their strategy Credit: Getty

WHEN electrical cars (wrongly) seemed like the dream ticket, announced it would stop making proper engines and that by 2025, it would be selling a million zero or low-emission cars a year.

It’s missed that target by quite a lot. Because people can now see electric Thunberg cars are stupid, it and has now announced that it will, in fact, keep on making internal combustion- engined cars for the foreseeable future.

That’s good news. We need Volvo to do well because they sponsor Sky Atlantic, which doesn’t half make some good telly.

There’s life in the old prog yet…

The Proms will host an evening of prog rock – Jeremy will be in attendance

CONFESSION time. My name is Jeremy Clarkson and I like prog rock. There. I’ve said it.

And what saddens me about this is that all the musicians who made these wondrous sounds in the Seventies are now either 80 years old or dead.

Which means I will never again be able to enjoy their music performed live.

The only way I’ll be able to hear Genesis or Yes or Emerson, Lake and Palmer is by listening to their records at home.

By myself. In a sound-proofed room. Because no one else ever wants to share the experience with me.

That makes me gloomy. It turns out, however, that there’s some good news thanks to .

I always thought this was an annual event for Reform voters to come together and sing Jerusalem.

But apparently there’s more to it than that.

This year, the orchestras will be playing theme music on one night and get this, on July 18 at the Albert Hall, there will be an evening of prog rock. A Prog Prom if you will

Obviously, I can’t find anyone to come with me, but I’ll be there nevertheless. In my Jethro Tull T-shirt.

Spoon scare

Donald Trump must forget that Britain has a special corner of Hawaii Credit: Alamy

RIGHT. I see. Because we wouldn’t help him in , might actually belong to .

Well they don’t, matey boy, and we fought a war – without America’s help incidentally – to remind everyone.

I’ll tell you what’s also ours. A corner of Hawaii where there’s a monument, above, to James Cook, close to the spot where he was killed.

That’s why there’s a Union Jack on the state flag.

So button it, Orange Man, or we’ll pop over there and build a Wetherspoons on it.