"Choosing Not to Be a Mom: Why Some Call It 'Selfish' But I'm Embracing My Truth"

I WATCHED in horror as the toddler’s eyes started to brim with hot tears and held my breath, preparing myself for the inevitable blood-curdling scream.

Just seconds before, I’d been enjoying my latte as I caught up with a friend at our local coffee shop, and now my heart was pumping through my chest, and I was eyeing up the closest exit.

Hana Carter admits that she loves children, but doesn’t want any of her ownCredit: Supplied She explained that she isn’t prepared to put her mental health and happiness in jeopardy for motherhoodCredit: Supplied

After the child’s mum tried everything to soothe her furious little tot without success, I made my excuses to my friend and scurried out the door.

As I took a deep breath of fresh air and settled my nerves, I reminded myself that this is one of the many reasons I simply cannot have of my own.

When I tell people that I’m by choice, it’s met with mixed responses.

The most common is a look of shock, followed closely by them telling me that I’d be an “amazing mum”.

And whilst I genuinely love children, and I’m great with them for short periods of time, I can hand on heart say that I know I would not be a good full-time mother and my and general happiness would take a battering.

As well as extreme , I also get overwhelmed and overstimulated very quickly.

I was over at one of my friends’ houses for lunch a few weeks ago, and I entertained her three-year-old whilst she made a sandwich.

He wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary for his age, but in my eyes, it was absolute chaos. Like the Duracell Bunny, he zipped across the room, pulling toys from every corner, and needed my undivided attention.

I struggle to concentrate on one thing at the best of times, so being met with this miniature tornado was exhausting.

CHILD-FREE BY CHOICE

“I’m honestly in awe of you,” I told my friend as she gave me my sarnie, “Is it like this all the time?”

She laughed and nodded as he played with her hair. As sweet as it was to gaze at the unwavering love between my friend and her son, there was nothing in my body that wanted my own version of that.

Another response I’ve had is being told that I’m , which is a common slur that many childfree women are slapped with.

I’m not selfish; if anything, I’d be selfish by having a child purely out of societal expectations and pressures.

When I first met my partner, Josh, one of the first things I asked him was whether he wanted children or not.

Thankfully, he also didn’t want children. If he’d told me that he did, I wouldn’t have continued dating him, as it wouldn’t be fair on either of us.

In 2025, I was diagnosed with , and it was suggested that I should also be tested for .

It was first suggested by a psychiatrist in 2019, and at the time, I was absolutely baffled by her suggestion.

At that time, there was hardly any education available on how ADHD affects women, so instantly, I equated ADHD with the ‘naughty boys’ that I went to school with, who could’t sit still and would have outbursts that resulted in detention.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD it was the biggest lightbulb moment of my life

Hana Carter

Hana plays a huge role in her friends’ kids’ lives and enjoys her own freedomCredit: Supplied

I’d spent 32 years beating myself up and feeling guilty for struggling with things that most people seemed to just take in their stride.

I was constantly in trouble for being late, forgetting things, losing things, having no concept of time – and now I know that’s because my brain is wired differently.

I’m not ‘oversensitive’ or a ‘drama queen’, I just have and process things differently. Whilst I made my decision not be a mum years before my , I now know that my ADHD would make it extremely tough for me to be a mum.

And of course, there are thousands of ADHD mothers out there who are doing an incredible job and love being mums, and I applaud that – but I’m happy to opt out.

Just because I’m biologically able to have children doesn’t mean that I should.

I’ve been told multiple times that I’ll be “missing out” on the unimagined bond that can only be felt between a mother and child.

I don’t think you have to be a mum to create an impact on the future generation; you can still inspire, teach, and help to nurture children, without giving birth to them.

Hana

And yes, maybe I will miss out on that. But there are also lots of things I’d miss out on if I choose to be a parent.

I value my personal space, I enjoy having freedom, and I love the quality time I get to spend with Josh.

And by not having children, I’m also able to focus on my passions and hobbies – which are things that support my

Hana said she worried that if she had kids, she would resent and regret themCredit: Supplied

If putting myself before another human that doesn’t even exist is selfish, then I’ll take that label.

I don’t think you have to be a mum to create an impact on the future generation; you can still inspire, teach, and help to nurture children, without giving birth to them.

I play a huge role in my friend’s children’s lives, and I always will.

I love my friend’s children as if they were my own family, and I would drop everything in an instant to be there for them if they needed me.

Some women are born to be mums, and I am inspired by those women.

But some women are also born not to be a parent, and as a result lead a different life than the one society expects from us – and I’m proudly one of them.