WELL, that has to be the biggest television disappointment of the year so far, doesn’t it?
A raging bushfire, we were assured, was ripping across , from the south-east and about to incinerate a great chunk of ITV2’s schedule and its “talent”.
I watched every episode of Love Island series 10 and would swear I’ve never clapped eyes on JessCredit: ITV
Helena already being back on the show gives you a fair idea about the level of desperation governing the booking processCredit: Shutterstock Editorial
Bangor City’s pot-stirring former goalkeeper Scott van-der-Sluis clearly believes appearing on three other versions of the show gives him enhanced status over the othersCredit: Shutterstock Editorial
Next thing you know . . . It wasn’t.
No aerial water drops. No helicopter rescues. And no frazzled tree stumps and melted astroturf, where The Secret Garden used to be.
Just 16 swaggering half-wits and business as usual on All Stars, a title that rivals ’s Genius Game as television’s greatest ever misnomer.
For there are no stars in here and only one face I even half-recognise belonging to an Islander called who appeared on its sister show so recently (Last Summer) she was forced to admit: “I haven’t unpacked yet.”
Helena’s quick turnaround gives you a fair idea about the level of desperation governing the booking process, of course.
The lack of recognition would come as a genuine shock, though, to the other retreads whose tone was set by the first arrival, Jess, boldly declaring: “I’m from Love Island series 10. You’ll remember the winner. It’s an iconic moment.”
Iconic or not, I watched every episode of that series and would swear I’ve never clapped eyes on Jess or fellow series 10 veteran Whitney who, with equal assurance, said: “I’m back, bitch. I ain’t changed, bitch. I’m still the same bitch.”
Which was lovely to hear . . . bitch.
From that point onwards, however, the levels of self-confidence somehow managed to increase and the contestants actually became even more obnoxious.
Sean, who refers to himself as “The Candyman 2.0”, bounded back in shouting: “The king is back.”
Belle insisted we’d recognise her because “I’ve got great tits”, and someone else just sat in front of the camera and smirked: “Your favourite Welshman is back.”
? Max Boyce? Iolo Williams off Winterwatch?
No, Ciaran off series 11.
’s is also present and, uniquely among them all, has the decency to look a bit sheepish, which may have something to do with the fact that, a mere eight months after his last appearance, in 2022, he became a dad.
By far the most objectionable, though, is Bangor City’s pot-stirring former goalkeeper who clearly believes appearing on three other versions of the show gives him enhanced status over the others.
It doesn’t. The repeat offender tag simply marks him out as the biggest failure in a show filled with nothing but failures who’ve abjectly failed to find: A) The love they claim they want and B) The fame they really crave.
If they doubt it, they need look only at the rest of the TV schedule where they’ll discover that any Love Island veteran who could “usefully” be redeployed elsewhere, already has been.
Fellow series 10 veteran Whitney is also on the All Stars seriesCredit: Refer to source
Ronan Keating’s son Jack is also presentCredit: ITV
Tawdry, greedy
Multi-millionaire still has her own show. and are currently defying expectations on .
And is hosting another run of , where episode one’s guests included Love Island veteran turned soft porn star , who admitted: “Going back on Love Island: All Stars earned me £50,000 a month on OnlyFans.”
It’s a grim way to spell out the real purpose and moral vacuum at the heart of this show, and a bit of a pity as well.
Love Island started out as a laugh, back in 2015, but has become so tawdry, unpleasant, familiar and relentlessly greedy the only All Stars dialogue that’s made my ears prick up, so far, has been Jack’s unfortunate choice of words with Whitney: “You’ve been clear about being a slow burner, I’m the opposite of a slow burner. So what I need is . . . ”
Kindling, some lighter flints, a stiff breeze from the south east and all of this will just be an unpleasant memory.
UNEXPECTED MORONS IN THE BAGGING AREA
LOOSE Women’s Cash On Campus quiz, : “Complete the name of the famous fictional British spy who has a licence to kill.” Brooke: “Sherlock Holmes.”
, : “What sounds like both a part of the body that’s a key sensory organ and the ninth letter of the alphabet?”
Ade Adepitan: “M.”
Mastermind, : “The Merengue, Gavotte and Dashing White Sergeant are all types of what leisure activity?” Bradley Riches: “Swimming.”
Clive Myrie: “On brown road signs used in the UK, a safari park is represented by an illustration of what big cat?”
Bradley Riches: “A meerkat.”
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
CELEBRITY Mastermind imbecile giggling with delight at his own shameful ignorance.
BBC One cutting and pasting its London political agenda all over . Love Island turning the word lips into a verb.
And abandoning The Prime Minister’s live Monday address to the nation, about the Greenland crisis, so that could ask a question that’s aged about as well as the next Spinal Tap drummer: “Could ’s new music video bring an end to the family war?”
That’ll be a no, then.
MIGHTY MAC IS NO DRAG
Michael McIntyre has created a show so good with his Big Show not even another bloody drag queen can ruin itCredit: BBC
SOMETHING strange happens to on Saturday evening at 5.45pm.
For nearly three hours it’s brilliant. An almost perfect public service broadcaster.
The process starts with and ends fairly abruptly when The Weakest Link gives way to .
The glue that holds the evening together, though, is Michael McIntyre’s Big Show, which has some elements that are better than others, like this week’s Remember Me segment, but not one single part that escapes quality control completely.
This minor miracle was never better illustrated than the moment it was interrupted by a cross-dressing grotesque called Blu Hydrangea, during ’s Midnight Gameshow sequence, at the weekend.
The is so obsessed with these tiresome creatures, of course, it would have a drag queen doing the forecast if they thought it wouldn’t undermine all their “climate crisis” propaganda.
It’s also an article of faith that we must refer to them all as she/her, even though contestants are about as feminine as a wheelspin in a pub car park, but nowhere near as funny.
Yet, with a production as fast-moving and funny as this one, has created something I thought might be impossible.
A show so good not even another bloody drag queen can ruin it. A remarkable achievement which guarantees only one thing.
The BBC won’t stop trying.
TV GOLD
Bradley Walsh’s Chase intros are pricelessCredit: ITV
BBC One’s outstanding drama Industry.
The brilliant performances of Alex “Keith” Ferns and Josef “Greg” Altin on Waiting For The Out.
Bradley Walsh’s priceless Chase intros: “Perhaps it’s The Governess, centrefold for the Domesday Book.”
Channel 4’s unflinching Four Kings, featuring all the noisiest heavyweights of the early 1990s, , , .
And the touching and funny Big Show interplay between and Romesh Ranganathan during his Remember Me segment, which saw host reintroduced to Sonia, the girl he snogged at the fifth-former leavers’ do, and his primary school playground friend Dylan: “Why didn’t he keep in touch?”
McIntyre: “He’s married to Sonia.”
GREAT TV LIES AND DELUSIONS OF THE MONTH
Love Island: All Stars, Jack Keating: “There’s a lot more to me than meets the eye.”
Good Morning Britain, : “If there’s one man who can turn a frown upside down, it’s .” 🙁
And : Getting Filthy Rich, Katie Price: “I need to sort my eyebrows out ’cos I look like Spock.”
Too flattering. Try Grilka the Klingon from Deep Space Nine.
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
: “It was an outstanding team performance from .”
Matthew Upson: “You’ve got to keep doing it until March, or at least May.”
And Les Ferdinand: “Erling Haaland is alive, even when he’s not.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK
The Kinder Egg advert man, left, former West Midlands Chief Constable Craig Guildford, right
THIS week’s winner is former Chief Constable , the shameful slaphead who let the Muslim lobby walk all over him, and the Kinder Egg advert man.
Emailed in by Angie Wright, of Tipton, West Mids.
WHILE others continue to do the hard DIY work on Amanda And Alan’s Greek Job, BBC One’s bone idle hosts visit an aqua park, go drinking with the locals and try to look enthusiastic at a Corfu donkey sanctuary, where asked this very pertinent question: “Where’s the next pile of poo?”
Amanda and Alan’s Algarve Job, I’m guessing.
MEANWHILE, on , the show’s most annoying character, Mad Jean Slater, has reached the tea-cosy-on-head stage, offering this ultimatum to her family: “You have to choose between the darkness and the light. Either Jasmine leaves Walford, or I do.”
See ya.
Eze Chidiebere Paul
I'm dedicated to creating high-quality content that informs, inspires, and delights. If you have any questions or suggestions, don't hesitate to get in touch. Happy reading!
