SITTING at a table in a hotel bar with an attractive man in a suit, I listen as he tries to charm me with good conversation. About ten years older than me, he’s intelligent and gentlemanly – the type you could imagine growing old with.
But I take most of what Tom says with a pinch of salt because all I know for certain is that he is a practised liar and a .
Writer Mel Fallowfield picked four men at random for dates from an extramarital affairs dating site
She arranged them through Illicit Encounters, which has 1.5million users
One in five marriages is affected by cheating at some stage, according to a survey
Admittedly, he is good company, but he’s also a married man, here purely to try to talk me into bed, and when I make my excuses and leave, he tries to kiss me.
I’ve arranged the meeting through the extra-marital dating website , established in 2003 and aimed at married men and women looking to have an affair.
The site has 1.5 million users and September is one of their busiest months – sign-ups soared by 19 per cent this time last year, believed to be a consequence of the strain the summer holidays put on .
Intrigued by the numbers, and with my husband’s blessing, I set up a ‘fake’ profile to find out what sort of men a site such as this attracts – and why do these men cheat?
I’d say 90 per cent of the profiles I read made it clear they didn’t want their marriages to end – and remarkably, they all doted on their wives.
However, away from their humdrum marriages, they wanted fun, passion, excitement and more sex (of course).
First, the small print.
For women, the site is completely free to use (men pay £139.99 a month to be able to read and receive messages). It’s very easy to navigate, and after choosing a user name, I used the simple tick boxes to describe myself.
I rattled off a profile – saying I felt frisky, was looking for some fun, liked politics and current affairs, but wasn’t a hugely serious person and wouldn’t be discussing the finer points of Tolstoy. None of it was particularly enticing.
And yet within moments of completing my profile, I was inundated with messages – about 30 within minutes.
Simply keeping up with them and replying could easily become a full-time job. In the corner of the screen it shows how many people are currently online and it was always hundreds, both men and women.
Many of the profiles I read were very similar, men looking for ‘stolen moments of fun’, stating their marriage was good, but they were missing excitement. In fact, many said they didn’t want to ‘rock the marital boat’. How noble of them.
A few were looking for more niche experiences, like wanting to be ‘daddy’ or .
After 24 hours, I’d whittled down my list and chosen four men at random, aged from 38 to 80, who I’d meet in busy bars over the coming days. I told my husband where I was going.
‘Like a kid in a sweet shop’
The site recommends that you take time to build up a relationship and trust before you meet in real life. And to tell a close friend when and where you’re going and check in with them throughout the date. They also tell you to trust your gut feeling – if something feels off, then don’t go through with the meeting.
With these four, I moved on to communicating via – an app where you sign up with a user name without having to reveal your phone number – as whenever I went back to the cheating website, I was bombarded with more messages. If I were a woman actively looking to strike up multiple affairs, I could’ve had my pick. It felt like being a kid in a sweet shop.
The first man I met for a drink was Tom, from , in the hotel bar in Central .
He told me he was 62, which I believed, and had two grown-up daughters. Whilst he was fond of his wife, he said they’d grown apart, though they did still have .
He admitted this wasn’t his first time on the site and that he’d successfully had an affair for two years previously, but that it fizzled out.
Many of the profiles Mel read were very similar, men looking for ‘stolen moments of fun’
One of Mel’s messages after she was ‘bombarded’ by men wanting to meet
After telling her husband where she was going, Mel met the men in busy bars
He told me he was looking for uncomplicated sex and fun that wouldn’t disrupt the status quo of his marriage.
He was being honest at least, promising nothing more than what I was supposedly looking for. Besides, Illicit Encounters says the most popular reason people use the site is because they’re looking for thrill and excitement, followed by sexual exploration and a confidence boost – not love.
What struck me most was how ordinary Tom was – he could be any one of the dads I’ve met at the school gates. I thought I’d be able to tell if someone was the type to ‘play away’ from their roguish twinkle.
I’d have had no clue what he was up to had I not met him on the site, and I suspect his wife wouldn’t have a clue either.
As I left, he came in for a kiss, which I dodged successfully. It caught me by surprise that he’d try that in a bar full of people.
I left quickly, claiming I had to get back to work.
My next meeting, the following day, was for lunch with a 52-year-old man who worked in design. He was shaking with nerves when we met outside a Pret a Manger and bought sandwiches for a picnic.
He explained that his wife worked abroad a lot and he liked to spend his free time with other women… cheating had become his hobby
He had a 12-year-old son and said he hadn’t had sex with his wife since their child was born. He claimed to still adore her – which I soon realised is a common denominator with these cheaters – but missed physical intimacy.
He seemed to be searching for love and told me he’d had a 14-month online affair a couple of years previously. They met once for sex, but as she lived abroad the rest of the time, it ended.
He wasn’t a ‘wanting to have his cake and eat it’ type, just someone who wanted a fulfilling relationship.
The site suggests that three months is the ideal length of time for an affair to last because beyond that time, there’s a risk of emotions getting involved. I suspect if he does meet someone, he’ll end up getting confused, and because he was a sweet man, I actually felt sorry for him.
But of course, he might have spun me a yarn about the lack of sex in his marriage.
Date three was with a 38-year-old who I met for a lunchtime drink. I was surprised that someone so young was up for meeting a woman 14 years older – but he insisted he liked older women and that he’d been with someone older than 52 before.
He explained that his wife worked abroad a lot and he liked to spend his free time with other women.
Cheating had become his hobby.
‘Panting with lust’
He didn’t have children, and I felt puzzled as to why he stayed married. But he was extremely cagey, refusing to even tell me his job. He was more interested in setting up a date for sex in a few days time than small talk.
He was my least favourite ‘date’, though he was undeniably good looking – but to be fair, he thought I was there for sex, not to delve into why he wanted an affair. His review of me would probably say I was weirdly nosy.
Without doubt, the funniest date I had was with an 80-year-old. I was fascinated when he contacted me – I’d always imagined men gave up on chasing sex and settled into past the age of 75.
And I know some women turn a blind eye to infidelity, thinking their husband will ‘grow out of it’.
If this ageing lothario is anything to go by, they don’t. He turned up on his bike, with a bottle of wine and a hotel reservation made – just in case I was ready and willing to spend the afternoon with him.
He was slightly deaf and kept on asking me loudly if I liked having my bottom tickled! He was virtually panting with lust and told me he’d committed adultery countless times.
I’ve always said if my husband was unfaithful I’d rather not know. And it seems that a website is a less risky way to go about it
He cheerfully said his wife would kill him if she found out, but that we could easily meet while she walked the dog with her friends every Thursday.
Once again, he adored her and doted on her – they’d been married nearly 50 years. But he said they had separate bedrooms and in her book, were too old for sex. He didn’t agree.
I made it clear to all four of the men that I wasn’t up for second dates and mulled over the experience. Obviously, cheating in a marriage is not acceptable. But it happens – one in five marriages is affected by it at some stage – 20 per cent of cheaters have three or more affairs and 8 per cent over five.
I’ve always said if my husband were unfaithful, I’d rather not know.
And it seems that a website is a less risky way to go about it. Would it be worse if your husband were sleeping with your neighbour or a friend?
If they’re going to cheat, surely it’s better with a stranger, where you wouldn’t get the same sense of betrayal and mutual friends would be less likely to know and talk about it behind your back?
Some might argue that websites like this facilitate cheating that wouldn’t otherwise happen, but if someone wants to stray, they’ll find a way to do it anyway.
Overwhelmingly, I realised that there is no type; these men were from all walks of life, some had children, others didn’t, they were from all age groups.
The only thing they all had in common is that they all appeared to dote on their wives.
And of course, it’s not only men up to no good – these blokes are cheating with women who have a ring on their finger too, after all.
**The men’s names have been changed
Four red flags your partner is cheating
Private Investigator Aaron Bond from BondRees revealed four warning signs your partner might be cheating.
They start to take their phone everywhere with them
In close relationships, it’s normal to know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones, if their phone habits change then they may be hiding something.
Aaron says: “If your partner starts changing their passwords, starts taking their phone everywhere with them, even around the house or they become defensive when you ask to use their phone it could be a sign of them not being faithful.”
“You should also look at how they place their phone down when not in use. If they face the phone with the screen facing down, then they could be hiding something.”
They start telling you less about their day
When partners cheat they can start to avoid you, this could be down to them feeling guilty or because it makes it easier for them to lie to you.
“If you feel like your partner has suddenly begun to avoid you and they don’t want to do things with you any more or they stop telling you about their day then this is another red flag.”
“Partners often avoid their spouses or tell them less about their day because cheating can be tough, remembering all of your lies is impossible and it’s an easy way to get caught out,” says Aaron.
Their libido changes
Your partner’s libido can change for a range of reasons so it may not be a sure sign of cheating but it can be a red flag according to Aaron.
Aaron says: “Cheaters often have less sex at home because they are cheating, but on occasions, they may also have more sex at home, this is because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You may also find that your partner will start to introduce new things into your sex life that weren’t there before.”
They become negative towards you
Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and to them, it will feel good, this can cause tension and anxiety within themselves which they will need to justify.
“To get rid of the tension they feel inside they will try to convince themselves that you are the problem and they will become critical of you out of nowhere. Maybe you haven’t walked the dog that day, put the dishes away or read a book to your children before bedtime. A small problem like this can now feel like a big deal and if you experience this your partner could be cheating,” warns Aaron.
