FINALLY! Justice for men!
After years, nay centuries, of oppression, people with penises are free to dress how they so desire in the workplace — nine-to-five, five days a week.
The Bank of England has introduced a new dress code permitting gender-fluid employees to wear stilettos and make-up to workCredit: Alamy
The document is part of a broader 17-page policy on trans equality and workplace transitioning, and it allows staff to switch between traditionally masculine and feminine attire
Arthur can now become Martha. No more boring suits or stifling ties.
No more furtive borrowing of the missus’s undies when she’s out doing the supermarket shop.
Now you lads are free to slip on the Louboutins and strut around the printer whenever those little red soles beckon.
Hurrah!
Heels with your suits. Sequins on your cheekbones. A beautiful manicure.
Anything goes.
Yep, the , the country’s most prestigious financial institution, has introduced a new dress code permitting gender-fluid employees to wear stilettos and to work.
The document is part of a broader 17-page policy on and workplace transitioning, and it allows staff who identify as gender-fluid to switch between traditionally masculine and feminine attire.
Under the new guidance, “anyone is welcome to wear a suit with high heels”, and men can wear eyeshadow, while men (those who were born female but transitioned to male) “may wear large earrings”.
All-woke attire
But fear not, ladies: the Suffragettes didn’t do all those hunger strikes for nothing.
Yay, women can have facial ! Who needs tweezers?
How many man hours (or they/she/it hours) did it take for our central bank to come up with this piffle?
Although this latest diktat possibly explains quite why they allowed to get so out of control — too busy painting their .
Now, I am all for staff being allowed to dress comfortably.
And express themselves.
I mean, I’d wear my pyjamas daily if I could. But, no, I don’t, because, well, I am a professional. (My Editor might argue in the loosest sense.)
The pyjamas are for home time.
Also, if I were a BoE employee and confronted with a woman sporting a beard, I might be a little thrown.
Similarly, were a great, lumping 6ft 4in bloke to come stomping down the office in 5in stilettos and a miniskirt, I might be mildly intimidated, not to mention dwarfed.
But as any woman will testify, no great brainwave ever occurred with incredibly painful feet.
There’s a reason why we all have trainers under our desks.
Femininity doesn’t come from a heel.
This new, all-woke approach to workplace attire comes as the BoE faces more scrutiny than ever before.
Last month, it acknowledged that its predictions for inflation and wage growth had “proved repeatedly too low” since 2022, while recent official forecasts indicated Britain’s faces its weakest decade of growth in a century.
Perhaps if the Bank of England stuck to what it’s good at, then we all might not be in this mascara- clad mess.
APPLE – DO READ MY LIPS
How truly terrifying that a beautiful young woman like Apple Martin has first tried filler aged just 18Credit: Vogue
, one of the original nepobabies and an elite A-lister among their number, has revealed how she first tried filler aged just 18.
and ’s daughter, now 21, gave an interview to , warning others to proceed with caution.
She said: “Time to come clean. I got lip filler one time. I think I got it when I was 18. I just thought it was too big.”
How truly terrifying that already beautiful young women – teenagers – are getting these cosmetic procedures while their perfect, collagen-filled bodies are still doing what they should do.
In no world should medical “professionals” be allowed to treat anyone so young.
A NINE-pound Chihuahua has just made history after completing a marathon in a very speedy three hours 47 minutes.
A nine-pound Chihuahua has made history after completing a marathon in three hours 47 minutesCredit: Getty
Meanwhile, my miniature dachshund will not even wee in the rain.
CURLING DAFT AS A BRUSH
CURLING has never been so exciting.
In a rebrand the sport didn’t know it needed, it’s all kicked off at the , during vs , with AND use of the F-bomb.
On Saturday, World Curling confirmed Canada had escaped punishment despite being accused of breaking the rules, which had previously prompted Canada’s Marc Kennedy to use very naughty language.
Chaps, seriously? You cannot possibly give off this much energy while clutching a broom.
MEANWHILE, can someone explain the Winter Olympics’ “luge” event to me?
It appears to consist of people popping on to a tea tray and hurling them-selves down a big slide.
How does one train for this sport? It also seems like a medal for winners, and near-certain death for wobblers. Wild.
TREAT YOURSELF TO THE LUXE VERSION OF LOVE
Lorna Luxe’s beloved husband John Andrews died aged 64 following a valiant battle with adrenal cancerCredit: Instagram
Never in the history of mankind has a bloke seemed so besotted as John was with LornaCredit: Mark Hayman – Fabulous
REALLY, all any woman wants is a John.
Heartbreaking news last week as influencer announced the death of her beloved husband John Andrews, who following a valiant battle with .
Down-to-earth Lorna, who grew up on a council estate in Trafford, Gtr , and now has 1.8million followers, built a hugely loyal fanbase by regularly featuring her devoted husband.
Never in the history of mankind has a bloke seemed so besotted. In , with Fabulous mag’s Kelly Allen, the star revealed how John would buy her a gift after every date – each one better than the last.
But beyond that, he supported her when she went £300,000 in debt trying to build her online brand – telling her never to give up. He also patiently filmed her videos.
She said before his passing: “We love doing stuff and going places, so we think, ‘How long until we are not going to be able to travel?’ “My whole life right now is to try and enjoy our days together.
“We can’t take that money with us . . . we know that we’re on a timeline. Fundamentally, I’m probably going to be a widow at some point in my forties and that’s a bit of a scary place to be for any woman.”
Just a month after this interview, Lorna was planning John’s .
A message for us all: life is short, enjoy it.
SHAME OF TWO HALVES
Ghislaine Maxwell is currently locked upCredit: DOJ
ALL the have now been released, according to the US Department of Justice.
Thus ensuring a huge collective sigh of relief from countless billionaires, socialites and celebrities who escaped mention.
Pray, then, what have we learned after all this?
Well, sleazy, lying toad remains at large, free to do as he pleases, including testing the spines of his poor horses.
Likewise Peter Mandelson – although a investigation remains ongoing.
Obviously, all the other named high-profile men – who all agree on one thing only: that they’re not guilty m’Lord – appear to be seemingly unaffected.
And what of the women?
, of course, is locked up.
And nearly all the other women named in these depressing files appear to have been sacked or had their careers or reputations ruined.
Take top Goldman Sachs lawyer Kathy Ruemmler, who had been forced out of her job after advising Epstein in a professional capacity.
Andrew’s ex-wife has been dropped by all her charities, and German countess Nicole Junkermann has been forced to stand down from the Royal Marsden Cancer Charity for her affiliation.
How depressingly predictable.
BEHIND THE REEL
HOW is it that are allowed to drive cars while “filming content” on their phone?
Every time I go on Instagram, some idiot is gurning away into their mobile – albeit one attached to the dashboard – making a video.
How, when it has been illegal to use a handset when driving since 2003, is this still allowed?
An accident waiting to happen. And perhaps police, rather than swooping on anyone doing 23mph in a 20 zone, should start throwing the book at these muppets.
Eze Chidiebere Paul
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