SITTING with her lover enjoying wine over lunch, Carla Crivaro wanted the afternoon to run into a night of passion so she typed out a message to the man who was taking care of her two children, asking if she could stay.
Astonishingly, the message wasn’t to Carla’s dad, not even the babysitter. It was to her husband of 12 years – a man fully aware that his wife was about to spend the night in her 47-year-old lover Will’s bed.
Carla Crivaro realised she wanted a more adventurous sex life so she decided to open up her marriage in July 2022
Carla, 45, and husband Federico, 46, pictured on their wedding day
Carla fell in love with her lover Will, and Federico fell in love with his lover Katie
Days before, Federico had asked Carla a similar question, as he enjoyed a romantic night with another woman, Katie, 40.
It was July 2022 and Carla and Federico, 46, were in a non-monogamous open . A decision they’d made together after Carla realised she wanted a more adventurous life.
They both had lovers and had sex with strangers at sex parties but neither of them imagined that two months later their marriage would crumble.
Carla fell in love with Will, and she realised her marriage had to come to the end. Federico was in agreement, having fallen in love with Katie.
They are now separated, but in circumstances many would find unfathomable, Federico lives with Carla half of the time so they can co-parent their two children.
Carla, a 45-year-old sex and relationship coach, who lives near Southport, Merseyside, explains: “Some would say our situation is a cautionary tale of what can go badly wrong when a couple agree to have sex with other people – that we were playing with fire.
“But I’d argue it gave us freedom to explore our desires and realise our marriage had run its course. It’s better than two other scenarios and that’s cheating or hating each other.
“The danger comes when a decision like this isn’t mutual.
“Had Federico come to me asking me for permission to sleep with other women and I hadn’t been on board…that would be entirely different.”
According to a recent YouGov poll, one in ten people would consider having an and 4% of the population have had one.
Carla met Federico in 2006 through work. When they married in September 2010, their relationship was ordinary.
She says: “Getting married and having children was something we both wanted, we were in love.
‘Spiral of anxiety‘
“Back then I wasn’t sexually driven and though I enjoyed sex with Federico and it was passionate at the very beginning, it fizzled out.
“All of my were like that.”
In August 2015 Carla had her first child but it was during her with her second in 2019 that Carla developed after finding out her unborn baby could have potential issues.
“It sent me into a spiral of anxiety that I really struggled with. Our baby was perfectly healthy but I found it hard to get over the trauma,” she says.
Carla says she was desperate to feel free and sexually liberated and do all the experimenting she hadn’t done in her youth
The pair are now separated but Federico lives with Carla half of the time so they can co-parent their two children
“I was a stay-at-home mum and that, coupled with Federico travelling a lot for his work in finance meant our sex life suffered.
“We did have sex, but those times became further apart. We didn’t argue, and were getting along doing things with the kids and around the house – it was all very normal. I was lonely and unhappy in myself.
“Federico was supportive but I couldn’t seem to recover.”
I realised I’d always wanted to be the ‘good girl’ and please people and I’d suppressed my sexual urges going from one serious monogamous relationship to the next
Carla
It’s against this backdrop that Carla went on an all-female retreat in run by a friend in January 2020.
“I desperately needed a break and some sun was the appeal,” she says.
“While I was there I realised I’d always wanted to be the ‘good girl’ and please people and I’d suppressed my sexual urges going from one serious monogamous relationship to the next. And I wanted to explore.”
On her return, Carla started researching a brand new career in sex and relationship coaching and in January 2021 she asked Federico if they could open up their marriage.
“At the time I was desperate to feel free and sexually liberated and do all the experimenting I hadn’t done in my youth,” she says.
“I had dreams of picking up a stranger in a bar and going back to his place.”
Carla says Federico welcomed the idea but says: “If he’d said no, I would’ve accepted it. I never imagined it would be the end of our marriage, in fact I hadn’t really thought about how it would happen or where we’d go from there.
“It was an opening gambit to gauge his reaction and I made it clear it was about me and my desire to explore sexually and not anything he’d done. I didn’t know whether it would be fleeting or something we’d embrace wholeheartedly, I just wanted to know if it was feasible.
“He is a calm man, and confident in his own skin.”
Over the coming months they talked about how their decision might impact their , and their marriage.
It was even Federico who took the leap first, signing up to ‘open-minded’ matchmaking site Feeld in August 2021.
Carla says: “I was excited for him, we’d look at Feeld together.
“When he went on his first date I didn’t lay awake feeling jealous. I felt excited about the freedom it gave me.
“He had four or five dates over the next 18 months. He’d usually stay out all night and I’d see him in the morning.
“I’d ask if he’d had fun but never ask for details.”
Every time I went home to Federico – and my role as a mum – I felt fulfilled. We had some of our best sex after being with other people
Carl
Carla’s fantasy was to have a one night stand but when that didn’t happen, three months later she signed up to Feeld.
Her first date in a bar in was a disaster, her date became abusive.
“I went home to Federico and he cuddled me for reassurance in bed that night,” says Carla.
Carla’s fantasy was to have a one night stand but when that didn’t happen, she signed up to matchmaking site Feeld
“It didn’t make me doubt the whole idea, but it did make me more careful about who I dated.”
In December 2021, Carla fulfilled her fantasy and had sex on a second date with a man she met via the app.
She says: “It was fumbling, first-time sex and I was nervous but at the same time it was exciting to be with someone new.
What is an open relationship?
An open relationship means having more than one sexual partner at the same time.
Both parties in the relationship agree to be non-exclusive and one or both parties engages in sexual activities outside the relationship.
If one or both parties engage in sexual relationships without an agreement, this would be classed as cheating.
Other names for an open relationship are polyamory and consensual non-monogamy.
‘Sex was incredible‘
“When I got home to Federico I told him I’d had sex but I didn’t go into details. I knew he wouldn’t want to hear them, and I respected that.”
In January 2022, the couple went to a sex party in London together.
“We both wanted to do something different,” says Carla.
“But it cemented my view that I didn’t want Federico watching me – I worried that I wouldn’t be able to let go in case he found it unsettling to witness me having pleasure with someone else.”
But Carla did enjoy experimenting away from Federico, once with a man in his 20s who she met at a sex party.
“I messaged him on the next day and invited him to my friend’s house in ,” she recalls.
“The sex was incredible.
“I also enjoyed tantric sex and light BDSM. A whole different level to the average marital sex.
“Every time I went home to Federico – and my role as a mum – I felt fulfilled. We had some of our best sex after being with other people.”
It was in July 2022 that Carla met Will on Feeld and around the same time Federico met Katie who were both single.
It signalled a shift in Carla’s marriage.
She says: “It was all a coincidence. We both felt a stronger connection with them and within two months we could both tell that each other was falling in love.
There is nothing wrong with women wanting to prioritise having an amazing sex life
Carla
“Federico also noticed how happy I was.”
In September 2022, Carla broached the subject of ending their marriage and Federico agreed.
“Being with Will made me realise what was missing in my relationship with Federico,” she explains. “I loved dancing, he liked going for long walks.
“Will’s interests were much more like mine.”
The couple stayed living together for their children and even carried on sharing a bed for the next six months, but intimacy between them stopped.
“There was no rush and both me and Federico liked our bed,” laughs Carla.
“Him meeting Will was no more awkward than two strangers meeting for the first time.
“But we did set out ground rules with our children in mind, like no lovers were allowed back to the house. Because our split was gradual they’ve coped well with it – they’ve always been our priority.”
Federico has met Will and Carla has met Katie.
However, the arrangement hasn’t always been smooth sailing, Carla says: “There have been times I’ve struggled – not over sex, but more over the care Federico can take over things like dates and buying gifts for Katie.
“I felt he didn’t put in the same effort while we were married. Communication is key, we talk it through.”
Whilst Carla’s relationship with Will ended in December last year Federico and Katie have lived in a flat close to the family home since February.
When he stays with Carla he sleeps in the spare room. He also helps Carla to pick potential partners.
Divorce is on the horizon too but she adds: “There’s no rush. Divorce is expensive and neither of us wants to spend money on what is essentially a piece of paper.”
When Carla mentioned opening up the relationship, it wasn’t something I’d ever considered
Federico
“Letting strangers into my marriage wasn’t a mistake.
“I’ve learnt that many women stay with their husbands when the passion has gone, they often end up feeling unfulfilled and resentful.
“There is no need for that, there is nothing wrong with women wanting to prioritise having an amazing sex life.”
Federico says: “When Carla mentioned opening up the relationship, it wasn’t something I’d ever considered. We took it step by step, having long conversations and I realised there were options that were opening up to us.
“My new partner is happy with the situation. She started off with a non-exclusive relationship and knows that my children will always be a priority.
“I just feel lucky to have such a good co-parenting relationship with Carla and that we’re both happy.”
Being with Will made Carla realise what was missing in her relationship with Federico 
