While we’re clearly supposed to wonder exactly which clients were told to steer clear of Jessica Simpson, now 40, way back in 2005 when she divorced Nick Lachey; all I can do is scratch my head at why Jessica’s publicist at the time didn’t go full four-legged parent, grab her by the scruff of the neck, plop her behind a tree, and warn her not to date professional douchewad and all-around indiscreet creep, John Mayer. This is the sound advice we all need in life and would have spared her a lot of misery.
This question will forever go unanswered, and John is now douchebagging his way through the totally pristine and untrodden (to him) terrain of white male privilege, wondering little more than how to parlay this pseudo-woke chapter into landing more napalm ass. Jessica, on the other hand, took some time out from wearing real fur while promoting her memoir, Open Book, to appear on The Drew Barrymore Show and talked about how back in the day, publicists told their clients to RUUUUN from her.
According to Yahoo! Life:
In a pretty juicy interview with Drew Barrymore, Simpson explained that publicists were warning off their clients.
“I had my list and I checked my list off as if I was a dude or something, but I felt like any time it started to get a little bit serious, I was the person to run from,” she told Barrymore during a recent appearance on her show. “Because every guy would be listening to their publicist who would be like, ‘Stay away. Stay away. You will never be a respected actor, you’ll never be a respected musician if you’re dating her. But that was back in the day—at least that was the excuse I heard.”
Obviously, not everyone was so easily scared away. Simpson told Barrymore that she actually dated a few musicians that she was able to keep from the press. “Well, I have dated some—a couple of musicians…Some under the radar that people don’t know about,” she said, coyly. “We like to keep some secrets.”
We do know, much as we’d prefer not to, that one of these musicians was Justin Timberlake, but mercifully for Jessica, their date only seemed to consist of a kiss that won Justin a longstanding childhood bet with Ryan Gosling to see who could kiss her first (that’s about the caliber of bet anyone would expect from those two). This episode may or may not have involved briefly running her fingers through the tightly packed sea of wavy ramen noodles sprouting inelegantly from his head (this detail was mine and not hers, but I couldn’t help but picture it). Jessica also briefly touched on her relationship with John:
“It was a relationship that was a yo-yo; it was always back and forth. To feel wanted and then to be shut out, and to feel wanted, to be completely shut out,” the Open Book author told Glamour in 2020. “My advice is to pick up on those signs. If there have been three breakups, stop it there. There can’t be 9 to 10, because that’s immature. That’s not love. If you’re actually in love, you’re not going to give up.”
Fast-forward to present day, Jessica is married to former NFL player Eric Johnson, with whom she shares three children: Maxwell (“Maxi“) Drew, Ace Knute, and Birdie Mae. Right now you’re all wondering why I buried the lede because the real stars of this post are clearly Maxi Drew (Nancy’s cousin), child detective extraordinaire, accompanied by Ace Knute, precocious martial arts expert and lion tamer, both assisted by award-winning botanist and artisan perfumer, Birdie Mae, on their weekly mystery show.
Here is Jessica’s segment on Drew’s show, in which she talks about life, work, and cock-blocking publicists: