The pandemic-era Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade happened today, and honestly, they should’ve just brought out the iconic duo Spider-Man tossing Uncle Sam’s salad and called it a day since 2020 can eat all of our unwashed asses. But the socially-distanced show went on and featured non-kicking Rockettes, lip-synching woes, a performance from the Midwestern Rent known as Jagged Little Pill, and a trio of legends: THEE Dolly Parton, THEE Darlene Love, and THEE Patti LaBelle!
COVID-19’s most gorgeous nemesis, St. Dolly, wasn’t about to risk catching coronavirus by sprouting her diamond-drenched angels wings and flying to NYC to perform at Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. Instead, Dolly covered our eyes with diamond dust and beauty in a pre-recorded performance of Holly Jolly Christmas from her homeland of Tennessee. While wearing the sparkly tears of the angels, Dolly gifted our ears with her voice while performing in front of a stunning mural of a snowy Cracker Barrel that was definitely painted by the ghost of Thomas Kinkade:
The best part of the Macy’s #ThanksgivingDayParade wasn’t even from NYC and I appreciate she wouldn’t risk it! Thank you @DollyParton for brightening this Thanksgiving day morning!🦃🎄🎶 pic.twitter.com/1Hv354sFU9
— Ana Sofía (@anasof) November 26, 2020
NBC might be shit for not asking Darlene Love to sing Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) at the Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting, but they did ask her to sing A Marshmallow World at today’s Thanksgiving Day parade. While looking like Goldilocks after getting revenge on the three bears and wearing them, Darlene performed on a giant Playskool doll house. You can’t tell from the short clip below but they cut her off! And well, whoever made that call is going to get a pile of piping hot reindeer turds in their stocking for committing that ILLEGAL act:
It’s @newyorklife‘s 175th anniversary! You may have noticed the wonderful Darlene Love performing on their float, but did you see that the address of the toy house is 175 🧐 #MacysParade pic.twitter.com/wR1Qrvziim
— Macy’s (@Macys) November 26, 2020
And Patti LaBelle may not have been fucked by her background singers and a slow cue card turner this time around but like Darlene Love, she was fucked by whoever made the ILLEGAL call to cut her off too:
You did not just cut away from Patti Labelle NBC?!?! WTF??? pic.twitter.com/kDFWkArNoa
— Gin is my co-pilot 🍸 (@AchtungAmerica) November 26, 2020
And while the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade brought us the triple star power of Dolly, Darlene, and Patti, the breakout star was Mario Lopez’s 1-year-old son Santino who nearly exposed his mom’s chichi to the world by doing what we all do whenever Mario Lopez opens his mouth to speak: RUN FAR, FAR AWAY!
— 𝔻𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕕 𝕄. (@LensLife365) November 26, 2020
— Natasha W.E.B. Lookin’ Bois Oladokun (@NatashaOladokun) November 26, 2020
Happy Thanksgiving, all!